# Does my ex think about me as much as I think about them during no contact?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/does-my-ex-think-about-me-as-much-as-i-think-about-them-during-no-contact/

**Short answer:** Almost certainly not at that exact moment. You're sitting there building a spiral. They probably aren't. That asymmetry doesn't mean they don't miss you. It means the problem you're dreading exists only in your head, and the spiral is what actually puts your chances at risk by pushing you toward impulsive action.

# Does my ex think about me as much as I think about them during no contact?

Probably not. Especially not at this exact moment, while you're sitting here building a catastrophe in your head.

That's not a discouraging answer. It's a useful one. Because the problem you're currently experiencing isn't about your ex. It's in your own head, and problems in your own head have solutions your ex doesn't control.

## Why is the obsession always one-sided?

During no contact, you have silence and imagination. That's a bad combination. Your ex may wonder about you, miss you, even check your profile — but they're also eating lunch, talking to friends, going to work. They're not sitting in a chair running a loop about where you stand.

Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, puts it plainly: the only reason this feels like a crisis is because you're sitting around thinking about it. Your ex almost certainly isn't doing the same thing at the same time. You're creating a problem that doesn't yet exist in the relationship, only in your mind.

## What's actually at risk when the spiral starts?

The obsessive loop isn't dangerous because it feels bad. It's dangerous because it leads to action. When you spiral long enough, the spiral convinces you that something needs to happen: a text, a casual run-in, a post with someone new. Those impulsive actions are what damage your chances. Not the silence you were worried about.

| What anxiety tells you | What's usually true |
|---|---|
| They've moved on and aren't thinking about me | They're living their day, not obsessing in return |
| Their silence means they've decided | It means time is passing, nothing more yet |
| If I don't do something now, I'll lose them | Impulsive action from a spiral almost always sets things back |
| They should be as anxious as I am | Anxiety is your nervous system's response to uncertainty, not a measure of how much either of you cares |

## Does it matter more with an avoidant ex?

Yes. With a dismissive avoidant, their lack of anxious rumination is even more pronounced. Avoidants deactivate in response to emotional pressure. They go quiet, seem fine, keep living their life. That silence reads as indifference from the outside. It usually isn't.

The danger is that your anxious energy signals to them that reconnecting means walking back into intense emotional pressure — exactly what pushed them away in the first place. Your calm matters more with this ex type, not less.

## What should you do when the spiral starts?

1. Label it. Say it clearly: "I'm overthinking." You can't redirect what you haven't named.
2. Check for present-moment evidence. Is something actually wrong right now, or are you projecting a feared future? It's almost always the latter.
3. Break the loop physically. Move, do something. Don't sit with the thought. It grows when you feed it.
4. Do nothing toward your ex until you're calm. A message sent from a spiral almost always breaks a rule or reads as desperate.

Two clients hit this same wall at different stages of the process. One kept reaching out every time the obsession spiked, convinced the silence meant rejection. The other learned to name the spiral and let it pass without acting. Same general dynamic with their ex, roughly the same timeframe. Very different outcomes. The difference wasn't who their ex was. It was what they did with the anxiety.

The silence isn't a verdict. Stop treating it like one.