# What does it actually take to get back together with an ex?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/getting-back-together-with-an-ex/

**Short answer:** Getting back together with an ex works when the breakup came from a fixable pattern, not contempt or repeated betrayal, and both people actually change something during the time apart. The process runs through real no-contact, one plain re-entry message, and a slower second dating phase. Missing someone isn't the same as it being worth rebuilding.

Getting back together with an ex sounds like a single decision. It isn't. It's a slow rebuild that either holds or repeats the same ending, and which one happens gets decided by what changed during the time apart, not by how the reunion conversation goes. I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*.

## Is it actually worth trying?

| Sign it's worth rebuilding | Sign it isn't |
|---|---|
| The breakup came from bad timing, unresolved conflict, or distance | It came from contempt, betrayal, or the same fight for years |
| You can name specifically what changes this time | Neither of you can say what would be different |
| There was real compatibility underneath the ending | You mostly miss not being alone |
| Neither of you has moved on seriously with someone else | One of you is settled with someone new |

If most answers land on the left, keep reading. If they land on the right, [is the breakup really final](/answers/is-the-breakup-really-final/) or [do I want my ex back, or am I just lonely](/answers/do-i-want-my-ex-back-or-am-i-just-lonely/) are the more honest next pages.

## What does the actual process look like?

| Phase | Duration | What's happening |
|---|---|---|
| Stabilize | First 1–2 weeks | Stop making it worse. No long messages, no grand gestures |
| No-contact | 3–6 months | Both people rebuild their own life instead of orbiting the breakup |
| Re-entry | One message | Short, warm, no apology attached |
| Dating again | ~2 months | Rebuild trust under real rules before naming it a relationship again |
| The conversation | One talk | Define the relationship again, from a regulated state, with real terms |

Most of the calendar is silence. The part people skip, wanting to rush straight to the reunion, is the part that decides whether the reunion holds.

## What actually changes the odds?

Couples who use the time apart to fix the specific thing that broke them do better than couples who just wait it out hoping distance solved it on its own. Missing each other is not the same work as changing the pattern. A relationship that gets back together without either side changing anything just buys itself a slower rerun of the same breakup.

## What kills a second attempt?

Rushing the conversation before either person has real evidence of change. Reopening the relationship at full intensity instead of dating again under stricter terms. And the biggest one: assuming that because the feeling came back, the problem already left. Feeling comes back faster than behavior changes.

## What this looks like in practice

A composite of cases I've coached, details changed. One couple split over a pattern where one person kept score of every unmet expectation. Three months of separate work, a plain re-entry message, and a genuine second dating phase later, the score-keeping had actually stopped. They got back together and it held.

Another couple reunited within three weeks of the breakup, still missing each other too much to wait. Nothing about the pattern had changed. It ended again within two months, the same way. The gap between them wasn't the problem the first time. It was the only thing keeping them from repeating the ending faster.

## What are the honest odds?

Relationships with real underlying compatibility come back together more often than not, in the cases I see, when the time apart gets used well. There's no honest number for any specific couple. Relationships that had already lost that compatibility before the breakup almost never hold, no matter how strong the reunion feels in the first month.

For the full mechanics of no-contact, the re-entry message, and the second dating phase, [see the complete process](/answers/how-to-get-an-ex-back/).