# How do I reply when my ex texts me first?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/how-do-i-reply-when-my-ex-texts-me-first/

**Short answer:** Skip the factual answer. "I'm good, you?" keeps you in the familiar, forgettable-ex box. A short, obviously exaggerated reply shifts the tone immediately and signals you're not sitting around waiting for approval. This works especially well on avoidant exes, who relax around lightness and tense up around anything that feels like pressure or an opening for a big conversation.

Your ex texts first, something low-stakes: "how's it going," a reaction to your story, a logistical question. Your instinct is to answer it straight. That instinct is the thing to override.

I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, and the moment your ex reaches out with something casual is one of the highest-leverage moments in the whole reconnection process. It's also the moment most people waste with a safe, factual answer that goes nowhere.

## Why a straight answer falls flat

A factual reply keeps the exchange exactly where it already was: two people who used to date, checking in like acquaintances. "I'm good, just been busy with work" is true and it's also forgettable. It doesn't shift anything.

An exaggerated, obviously-a-joke reply does two things at once. It changes the emotional register of the conversation without any heavy lifting, and it signals, without saying it outright, that you're not sitting around managing how this lands. That combination, lightness plus zero neediness, is what actually rebuilds attraction in these small exchanges.

| Their message | The dead-end reply | The reply that shifts things |
|---|---|---|
| "How are you?" | "Good, you?" | Something absurd and clearly exaggerated about your week |
| Reacts to your story | "Haha thanks" | A playful callback to the story, pushed further than reality |
| Asks a logistical question | Answers only the logistics | Answers, then tags on one line of humor |
| Congratulates you on something | "Thank you!" | A self-deprecating, over-the-top spin on how you "really" earned it |

## What to actually do

1. **Don't answer instantly.** You're not on standby waiting for their text. A natural gap before replying is fine.
2. **Find the exaggeration in the true answer.** Whatever actually happened, push it toward the most ridiculous version. The setup is almost always sitting right there in the mundane truth.
3. **Go further than feels comfortable.** The most common failure here is being too subtle. If there's any chance they'd read it as a real answer, it's not over the top enough yet.
4. **Keep it short.** One or two lines. The joke is the whole message, not a lead-in to the real answer.
5. **Stay consistent if the bit continues.** If they play along, keep the tone going rather than snapping back into factual territory mid-exchange.
6. **If humor doesn't come naturally, practice elsewhere first.** Low-stakes interactions, a barista, a coworker, are a better place to get reps in than a text thread with your ex.

## What not to do

Don't answer the question straight and call it done. A literal, accurate answer is the path of least resistance, and it's also the path that goes nowhere.

Don't ask how they've really been doing in return. That's a temperature check wearing a casual question's clothes, and it puts the emotional weight of the conversation back on them before either of you is ready for it.

Don't add a disclaimer to the joke. If it needs "lol jk" attached, it wasn't exaggerated enough to stand on its own.

Don't treat a heavy message the same way. If your ex opens with something real, a joke reads as dismissive. Save this for the casual, low-stakes openers it's built for.

## What this looks like in practice

A composite of situations I've coached, details changed. One client's ex texted "how have you been?" out of nowhere after weeks of silence. The old instinct would have been a status update. Instead, the reply was one absurd line about a minor mishap that week, pushed well past what actually happened. The ex responded within minutes, visibly more engaged than a flat "good, you?" had ever produced in months of prior exchanges.

Another client got a dry, one-line congratulations on a work update. The instinct was "thank you!" and stop there. Instead, a quick, self-deprecating joke about how the achievement was mostly luck and a well-timed nap got a real reply back, not just an acknowledgment.

Neither exchange resolved anything about the relationship. Both did something more useful: they broke the pattern of two people trading polite, forgettable messages, and replaced it with something that actually felt like talking to a person again.