# How long should no contact last?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/how-long-should-no-contact-last/

**Short answer:** No contact should last a minimum of 30 days, 60 days for most people rebuilding real perspective, and 90 or more when your ex is dismissive-avoidant or the relationship ran years. Treat it as a floor you clear before reaching out, not a countdown you're just waiting through.

I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, and the number question people ask me is some version of "how long is this supposed to take." Here's the direct answer: 30 days minimum, 60 for most people, 90 or more if your ex is dismissive-avoidant or you were together a long time. Those numbers are a floor you clear, not a countdown you're stuck refreshing.

## How long should you do no contact with your ex?

The window depends on two things: how attached you both were, and how your ex's nervous system tends to handle space. Here's how I size it with clients.

| Situation | Who ended it / attachment style | Recommended window |
|---|---|---|
| Short relationship (under 6 months) | You ended it | 30 days |
| Short relationship | They ended it, or you're anxiously attached | 45–60 days |
| Long-term relationship (1+ years) | Secure or anxious attachment | 60 days |
| Long-term relationship | Dismissive-avoidant ex | 90+ days |
| Any length | High-conflict breakup, betrayal, or repeated cycle | 90 days minimum |

If you don't know your ex's attachment style, default to 60 days. It's long enough to matter and short enough that you're not stalling out of fear.

## Is the 30 day no contact rule actually long enough?

Thirty days is where most people stop, and it's usually too short. Here's what actually happens in the first month: week one is white-knuckle urge control, week two is grief showing up in full, week three is the first real stretch of clear-headed days, and week four is when you start feeling like yourself again, which is exactly when the temptation to text hits hardest. Thirty days gets you to the start of clarity, not the middle of it. Treat day 30 as a checkpoint where you ask "am I calm, or am I just tired of waiting," not a deadline to reach out.

## The psychology behind why the window can't be shorter than a month

Under three weeks, most people are still running on adrenaline and loss aversion, the part of the brain that wants the breakup undone more than it wants a good relationship back. That's not weak willpower, it's normal psychology after any attachment rupture. The nervous system needs roughly three to four weeks of no new emotional hits before it stops treating your ex's silence as an emergency. Reach out before that window closes and you're negotiating from panic, which your ex can usually feel even through a text.

## How long should no contact last with an avoidant ex?

Give a dismissive-avoidant ex the full 90 days. Their first reaction to space is relief, not longing, and that relief takes weeks to burn off before curiosity about you has room to show up. I've watched people reach out at day 40 with an avoidant ex, get a flat or distant response, and read it as proof the relationship is dead, when the actual problem was timing. Ninety days isn't a guess pulled from nowhere, it matches how long avoidant deactivation typically takes to loosen on its own.

## What does "too long" actually look like?

People worry about this constantly, and in my experience it's rarer than the fear suggests. Genuine indifference from months of silence takes a lot longer to set in than most people assume, and it usually needs other factors alongside the silence, like a new relationship or a full geographic or social separation. I break down what real "too long" looks like, and how to tell it apart from ordinary distance, in [can no contact go too long and push your ex toward indifference](/answers/can-no-contact-go-too-long-and-push-your-ex-toward-indifference/). Short version: if you're still thinking about them at all, you almost certainly haven't crossed that line.

## How do you know you're actually ready to reach out?

Forget the calendar for a second. The real marker is a state, not a date: you're ready when the thought of your ex ignoring your message, or being with someone else, wouldn't wreck your week. Not thrill you, just not wreck you.

I had a client, a composite of a few situations I've coached through, who counted down to day 60 like it was a release date and reached out the morning it hit. Her ex didn't respond for four days. Those four days undid most of what the 60 days had built, because she'd hit the number without hitting the state. When she tried again two months later, calmer and not counting anymore, the conversation actually went somewhere.

So use the numbers to set your floor. Use the state to set your actual go-date.