# Is the problem with my ex real or am I just creating it by thinking about it?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/is-the-problem-with-my-ex-real-or-am-i-just-creating-it/

**Short answer:** Anxiety about your ex is almost always a thought problem, not a real-time signal. You're projecting a future outcome that hasn't happened. Your ex isn't running the same loop you are right now. The fix isn't gathering more information — it's stopping the spiral before it drives you to do something that restarts the clock.

# Is the problem with my ex real or am I just creating it by thinking about it?

Here's what nobody wants to hear: most of the time, the crisis doesn't exist yet. You're sitting around thinking about what your ex might be feeling, what that snap story view means, why the reply was short — and none of it is actually happening. You're manufacturing the problem from inside your own head.

Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, describes this as a thought control problem. Anxiety isn't a signal about what's real. It's thinking about the future. That distinction matters because the fixes are completely different.

## Is this a real signal or a thought problem?

| It's probably a thought problem | It might be worth noting |
|---|---|
| A late or short reply | A direct statement from your ex about where things stand |
| A story view from someone you don't recognize | An observable pattern across multiple interactions |
| Silence after you sent something | Concrete behavior that breaks from a clear positive trend |
| Feeling like something is "off" without evidence | Specific words or actions with an unambiguous meaning |
| Imagining what they might be thinking | Something they actually said or did |

If what you're working with is on the left, the problem is the thought, not the situation.

## Why does researching your ex make anxiety worse, not better?

Looking for more information to settle anxious feelings is one of the most reliable ways to intensify them. You check their social media. You analyze the emoji they used. You ask a friend what they think it signals. Each of those moves feels like gathering data, but you're feeding the loop — giving yourself more material to decode, more ambiguity to carry.

Your ex almost certainly isn't thinking about your situation at the exact moment you're spiraling about it. That asymmetry is uncomfortable. It's also the answer. You're creating a problem that doesn't exist on their end yet.

## What should I do when anxiety hits?

1. **Name it.** Say it out loud or write it down: this is overthinking. You can't course-correct what you won't name.
2. **Check whether something actually happened.** Is there a concrete action or statement from your ex, or are you reacting to a possibility?
3. **Get physical.** Stop sitting with the thought. Move, go somewhere, break the loop. The thought only has power because you keep returning to it.
4. **Don't take any impulsive action.** No testing your ex, no posting to provoke a reaction, no reaching out before your window opens. Actions taken from anxiety almost always break one of the Five Rules.
5. **Stay on plan.** The question isn't what your ex is thinking right now. It's whether you're executing the plan or spiraling away from it.

## What should I avoid doing?

- Don't reach out to "see how they're doing." That's a temperature check in disguise.
- Don't manufacture jealousy triggers while panicking. Posted from that state, they read as desperate.
- Don't keep replaying the same ambiguous signal looking for a reading that makes the fear go away. There isn't one.
- Don't catastrophize silence. If your ex is avoidant, them not reaching out isn't confirmation it's over — it's just confirmation they're avoidant.

## Does this change when my ex is avoidant?

If your ex leans avoidant, the stakes are higher. Avoidant partners aren't just conflict-averse — they withdraw from emotional intensity. Your anxious energy reads to them as pressure, and pressure is the thing that drove them away.

I've coached clients in nearly identical situations: one convinced her avoidant ex had moved on because he'd posted on social media without acknowledging her, another certain that shorter replies meant things were over. Neither had concrete evidence of a real problem. Both were generating one with their energy — the anxiety itself becoming the issue.

The advice was the same for both: stop decoding, stop monitoring, get off the couch, stay strong. Both got contact within a few weeks of stopping the spiral.

Your job right now isn't to figure out what your ex is thinking. It's to stop letting anxiety make your decisions for you.