# My ex slept with someone else and wants me back, what should I do?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/my-ex-slept-with-someone-else-and-wants-me-back/

**Short answer:** Depends entirely on timing. If it happened after you split, before any real conversation about reconciling, that's a different situation than if it happened while you were still together. Either way, don't say yes fast. Ask why the new thing ended, watch two months of behavior before any relationship talk, and treat apologies as words, not proof.

Depends on when it happened. If it was after you split and before you'd talked about getting back together, that's a different problem than if it happened while you were still a couple. Sort that out first, because it changes everything downstream.

I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*. This question comes up more than you'd think, usually from someone torn between wanting their ex back and feeling like saying yes means they don't respect themselves. Neither instinct is wrong. You just need a process before you answer.

## Did it happen during the relationship or after the breakup?

During the relationship, it's infidelity, and taking someone back after that is its own conversation, one that needs an honest look at whether trust can actually rebuild, usually with real work on both sides and often with a therapist in the room. That's not what this page covers.

After the breakup, before you'd worked anything out, it's a different animal. You weren't together. They didn't owe you monogamy in a relationship that had already ended. It can still sting, and it's fair to ask what it means about their state of mind, but it isn't betrayal in the technical sense.

## The psychology test: rebound failure or real change?

Here's the question that matters more than the sex itself: why are they back now? In my cases, an ex who reaches out after a rebound falls into one of two categories. Either the new thing ended and they're circling back to what's familiar, or they got some real distance and came back with a clearer read on what they actually want. Same behavior, two completely different psychologies underneath it.

The first kind of return doesn't hold. It's relief dressed up as clarity, and it tends to fade the moment another option appears. The second kind is worth taking seriously, but you still can't tell which one you're looking at from a single conversation.

## Three questions to ask them, two to ask yourself

| Ask them | Ask yourself |
|---|---|
| Why did that end? | Am I the answer, or am I just available? |
| What's different about how you'd approach this now? | Would I still want this if no one else had happened? |
| Why now, specifically? | |

Watch how they answer, not just what they say. Someone doing real work has specifics. Someone running from a bad rebound has vague relief and not much else.

## The rule of no fast yes

Don't give a fast yes, no matter how good the conversation feels. Date again from scratch: slow, casual, no relationship-status talk for at least two months. That window isn't a punishment. It's how you find out whether the change is real, because two months of consistent behavior tells you more than any apology does. Words are cheap right after someone's rebound falls apart. Behavior over time is not.

## When the answer is no

Sometimes the honest answer is no, and that's a legitimate outcome, not a failure. If the pattern is a repeat, if they only reach out when someone else has just left, or if your gut says "available" rather than "chosen," believe that. Wanting them back and it being good for you are two separate questions, and only one of them should decide what you do next.

Related reading: [does sleeping with someone else while trying to get your ex back hurt your chances](/answers/does-sleeping-with-someone-else-while-trying-to-get-my-ex-back-hurt-my-chances/) covers the reverse situation, and [do exes come back after dating someone else](/answers/do-exes-come-back-after-dating-someone-else/) has more on rebound timelines.