# Should I start dating other people during no-contact?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/should-i-start-dating-other-people-during-no-contact/

**Short answer:** Usually, yes, once you have basic emotional footing. Staying in "just social" mode without actually dating keeps you circling your ex mentally instead of rebuilding momentum. Dating other people isn't a betrayal, it's part of the process. The exception: don't date as a tactic to provoke jealousy. Do it because it's genuinely good for you.

# Should I Start Dating Other People During No-Contact?

Usually, yes, and it surprises people how often I say that. I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*. The instinct during no-contact is to freeze everything, including your own dating life, as if moving on in any way might cost you a shot at reconciliation. In practice, staying frozen usually costs you more than it protects.

## Why does dating other people help, instead of hurt?

No-contact only works if you're actually building a life during it, not just white-knuckling a countdown. Dating other people pulls your attention off your ex in a way that willpower alone doesn't. It also rebuilds real confidence, the kind that comes from evidence, not the performed kind you try to project in a text.

| Staying in "just social" mode | Actually dating |
|---|---|
| Keeps one foot reserved for your ex | Occupies real attention and energy |
| Feels safer, but keeps you circling the same person | Builds evidence you're attractive to more than one person |
| Easy to sustain indefinitely without progress | Forces reps: reading people, setting plans, following through |
| Doesn't move your internal state | Prevents the frozen, neither-healing-nor-moving state |

## What do I actually do?

1. **Make the call and commit to it.** Don't hover indefinitely in "just being social." Decide you're dating, and follow through on it.
2. **Actually pursue, not just attend.** Showing up to things isn't the same as dating. Ask people out. Set actual plans.
3. **Take opportunities when they show up.** If someone shows interest, follow through close to when it comes up rather than letting it drift for weeks.
4. **Read effort the same way you would with your ex.** High effort from someone new, move forward. Medium, let it breathe. Low, don't chase it.
5. **Use it to build your read on people generally.** The more you date, the faster you recognize patterns, in new people and in your ex.

## What should I not do?

Don't stay in permanent "just social" mode as a way to keep loyalty to someone who isn't your partner anymore. Don't wait for a sign from your ex before you start. And don't treat new people as props in a jealousy plan. That reads as exactly what it is, and it's unfair to someone who doesn't know they're being used that way.

## What does this look like in practice?

A composite of cases I've coached, details changed. One client found out early in no-contact that her ex had already started seeing someone. She used it as a reason to sit still and wait it out. Once she started dating instead, not to compete, just because it was time, her own state improved fast, and the waiting stopped defining her days.

Another client kept going out with friends but wouldn't let himself actually pursue anyone, treating it as a loyalty test he didn't want to fail. Nothing moved for months. Once he started setting actual dates, nothing dramatic happened right away, but he stopped orbiting his ex mentally, which was the real shift the no-contact window needed.

## When should I hold off?

If you're still in a genuine crisis state, not sleeping, not functioning, that's not the moment to add dating into the mix. Stabilize first. And if you notice you're picking dates specifically to manufacture a reaction from your ex rather than because you're interested, that's worth naming honestly before you continue.