# Why does lowering my effort create more attraction than working harder to get my ex back?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/why-does-lowering-my-effort-create-more-attraction-than-working-harder-to-get-my-ex-back/

**Short answer:** When you lower your effort and reduce your availability, you signal value, not indifference. Absence actively builds mystery and novelty in your ex's mind. Benny Lichtenwalner's model holds that the discomfort you feel during no contact is the same period curiosity is compounding on their end.

# Why does lowering my effort create more attraction than working harder to get my ex back?

The instinct after a breakup is to do more: reach out more, show up more. It's the wrong direction. Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, describes what's actually happening during absence: **you're not losing ground. You're accumulating novelty and mystery, day by day, without doing anything.**

Presence without scarcity kills desire. Distance creates it.

## Why effort works against you

Every time you reach out or make yourself constantly available, you're solving the mystery. There's nothing left for your ex's mind to fill in. When you withdraw, their imagination takes over — and it fills the gap with you.

| What you're doing | What your ex experiences |
|---|---|
| Constant contact, high effort | Familiarity, predictability, nothing to wonder about |
| Pulling back, lower availability | Novelty, curiosity, desire to close the gap |
| Going no contact | Mystery compounds; loss registers; memories activate |
| Reaching out too early | Interrupts the curiosity build; resets the process |

## Why familiarity was the problem

Everything that's novel becomes familiar over time. That's the root dynamic that cooled your relationship: not necessarily the fights or the specific events, but the accumulated familiarity of constant presence. Absence does more than stop the bleeding. It reverses the process and resets novelty.

Delayed gratification is the mechanism: the discomfort you feel during no contact is the same window during which curiosity is building on their end. The two happen simultaneously, not in sequence.

## What "lowering effort" actually looks like

Lowering effort is an active posture:

1. Frame the silence as accumulation, not loss. Every day you don't chase is a day mystery is building. Reframe the wait as an asset growing, not time hemorrhaging.
2. Remove yourself from triggering environments when necessary. If physical proximity is spiking your anxiety and tempting you to act, create distance. Being away builds curiosity on its own.
3. Don't initiate contact. If they reach out, respond. If they don't, stay quiet. Don't interrupt the compounding process with an anxious check-in.
4. Keep your own life moving visibly. The more genuinely well you're living, the more effective the absence. What they see (or imagine they're missing) during your absence matters.
5. Maintain lower effort as a posture, not a one-time tactic. You'll get the better behavior you want by consistently creating desire through mystery and reduced availability.

## What NOT to do

- Don't mistake anxiety for losing ground. Feeling like you're losing them each day is the opposite of what's actually happening
- Don't use absence as a manipulation tactic without doing the inner work. Absence from a crashed state leaks desperation, not mystery
- Don't reach out to "maintain connection" during no contact — that resets the clock and collapses what you've built
- Don't over-interpret their silence as disinterest, especially with a dismissive avoidant ex
- Don't let absence run indefinitely. Six months is the ceiling; after that, curiosity risks converting to indifference

## How this plays out differently with a dismissive avoidant ex

A dismissive avoidant ex suppresses feelings rather than processes them openly. They need distance to stop distracting themselves from the loss and start actually feeling it. Reaching out during that suppression window catches them while their defense systems are still active, not while they're missing you.

Two people in separate coaching situations had dismissive avoidant exes who went completely silent after the breakup. One kept checking in every few weeks, telling themselves they were "keeping the door open." The other went quiet and lived their life. The one who went quiet heard from their ex after nearly three months. The one who kept checking in never got meaningful contact. The ex had been conditioned to see them as a source of pressure rather than a source of attraction.

## The core principle

Benny Lichtenwalner's framing: going quiet gains you novelty every single day. The anxiety you feel during no contact is the price of the payoff, and that payoff is curiosity building on their end at the same time.

Trust the mechanism. Don't interrupt compounding curiosity with an anxious move.