# Someone broke up with me. Why should I even want them back?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/why-should-i-even-try-to-get-my-ex-back/

**Short answer:** Because you want to, that's a complete answer. Most relationships fail over fixable problems, not because the people were wrong for each other. If you already know this person is compatible with you, fixing what broke usually costs less time than starting over with a stranger. The one bad reason: proving you didn't deserve to get dumped.

I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, and I hear a version of this question from almost everyone I talk to, usually from someone else in their life first: why would you even want them back after what happened? Here's the direct answer. Wanting them back is reason enough on its own. Past that, there are real arguments for trying, and one that isn't real at all.

## The simplest reason: you want to

You get to decide what you want your life to look like, and nobody else gets a vote. If wanting your ex back is the honest answer, that's a complete reason, not something that needs to be justified to skeptical friends or family.

## The practical reason: most breakups aren't about incompatibility

People assume a breakup proves two people weren't right for each other. Usually that's not what happened. Most relationships end over communication breakdowns and unaddressed attachment wounds, patterns neither person fully understood while they were in it, not because the chemistry was fake or the match was wrong. If you already know this person is someone you connect with, fixing a specific, nameable problem is usually faster than finding and building that same connection with someone new from scratch.

## The reason to be honest about

It takes roughly a year of dating around to find someone you're genuinely compatible with. If your ex already cleared that bar, that's not nothing. Weigh what you're actually choosing between: addressing a known, specific problem with someone you've already proven you connect with, or starting the whole search over and rolling the dice on a stranger's attachment style and communication habits too.

## The one bad reason

Wanting your ex back to prove a point, that you didn't deserve to get dumped, that they'll regret it, that you're not someone who gets left, isn't the same thing as wanting the relationship. That's ego protection wearing the costume of reconciliation, and it tends to produce pettiness and point-scoring instead of anything that actually gets them back.

## A quick way to check which one you're in

| If you're mostly thinking about | You're likely working from |
|---|---|
| Specific memories, inside jokes, how you two worked together | Genuine wanting |
| What they'll think when they see how well you're doing | Ego, not the relationship |
| A specific problem you can name and would handle differently | A fixable issue worth addressing |
| Them "realizing what they lost" | Proving a point, not reconnecting |

## What NOT to do with this

- Don't let people who weren't in the relationship talk you out of wanting what you want, or into chasing it for the wrong reason either.
- Don't confuse "it's worth trying" with "it's guaranteed to work." Wanting it is a reason to try, not a prediction of the outcome.
- Don't take on full responsibility for everything that went wrong just because you're the one trying. Most breakups involve two people's patterns, not one.
- Don't use this as permission to pursue someone who was genuinely contemptuous of you or betrayed you repeatedly. That's a different situation than a fixable breakdown, and no amount of wanting changes that.

If your honest answer to why is some version of "because I want to, and I think this is fixable," that's enough to justify the work of no-contact and everything that comes after it. You don't need anyone else's permission to try.