# How do I get my mindset right during no-contact?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/videos/mindset-state/

**Short answer:** Your mindset during no-contact isn't something you think your way into, it's something you build through small, repeatable actions that put you in a genuinely better mood before you ever interact with your ex again. Confidence built from real evidence beats confidence you're just telling yourself to feel. Practice it away from the situation first.

There are two small exercises I give clients to build real confidence before any interaction with an ex, and neither involves the ex at all. One is a simple loop through a local park, walking against the flow of foot traffic so you pass more people, smiling and saying hello, then building to a light comment, then something a little bolder. The other happens in a coffee shop line: reacting to strangers' orders with playful opinions, out loud, without overthinking it.

Neither exercise is about the ex. That's the point. You can't talk yourself into confidence by rehearsing what to say to someone you're anxious about. You build it by collecting small, low-stakes wins somewhere else first, so you're carrying real evidence into the harder conversation instead of a mental pep talk that cracks the moment things get tense.

I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*. Do this regularly enough and a bold move stops feeling like a big deal, which means the actual conversation with your ex stops carrying so much weight either. For the rest of the mindset work that goes into a recovery plan, see the [90-day plan](/guides/90-day-plan/).

## Full transcript

There are two small exercises I have clients do to shift their mood and confidence before any interaction with an ex, and neither one has anything to do with the ex directly. That's on purpose. You can't manufacture confidence by thinking hard about the situation you're anxious about. You build it by collecting small, real wins somewhere else first, so you're walking into the harder conversation with actual evidence behind you instead of a pep talk you don't believe.
The first exercise is something you can do at almost any park with a walking path or a loop around a pond. Walk the loop in the opposite direction from most other people, so you naturally pass more of them and make more eye contact. On the first pass with someone, just smile and say hello. On the second pass, make a light, friendly comment, about the dog they're walking, what they're wearing, anything low-stakes and said in a way that could get a smile. On the third pass, if it's gone well, go for something a little bolder, a high five, a joke. Most of it will feel silly. That's fine. What you're actually training is your willingness to put yourself out there in a low-risk setting and watch it go fine, which is a different skill than talking yourself into confidence.
The second exercise works well in a coffee shop line. While you're waiting, listen to what the people behind you are ordering, and make a light comment as if you have strong opinions about coffee, in on their choice, or teasingly against it. It sounds small, but you're practicing something specific here: reacting to a stranger with warmth and a bit of playful judgment, out loud, in real time, without overthinking it first. That's the same muscle you need when your ex says something and you have half a second to respond instead of running six drafts in your head.
Here's why this matters more than people expect. The confidence you need around an ex isn't the kind you get from rehearsing what to say. It's the kind that comes from a recent memory of doing something slightly uncomfortable and having it go completely fine. If the last time you put yourself out there socially was three months ago and it went badly, your nervous system remembers that, not the version of yourself you're trying to project. If you've had small wins this week, your baseline mood is genuinely higher, and that shows up without you having to perform anything.
This isn't about becoming a different person. It's about giving yourself low-stakes practice often enough that a slightly bold move, a joke that could land badly, a comment to a stranger, stops feeling like a big deal. Once that stops feeling like a big deal, an actual conversation with your ex stops carrying so much weight either. You're not walking in hoping it goes well. You're walking in from a place where you've already had several small things go well recently, and that difference is something people can feel, even if they can't name it.