Does Sleeping With Someone Else While Trying to Get My Ex Back Hurt My Chances?
Short answer: It depends on what's driving it. Casual dating keeps momentum and builds social proof. But sleeping with someone to fill the wait risks bonding through oxytocin at the moment you need clarity. Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, frames this as a state management issue, not a morality question.
Does Sleeping With Someone Else While Trying to Get My Ex Back Hurt My Chances?
Not automatically. But there’s a specific version of this that almost always backfires, and it comes down to oxytocin.
Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, is clear that dating during no-contact (going out, meeting people, being socially active) is part of the process, not a betrayal of it. Your social life is what keeps you grounded, builds the state you want to project, and creates genuine attraction through visible momentum. You’re not supposed to be in isolation.
The problem isn’t dating. It’s specifically using physical intimacy to manage the discomfort of the wait. That version has predictable consequences.
What Does Oxytocin Actually Do Here?
Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It’s released during physical intimacy regardless of your intentions. When you sleep with someone to fill the anxiety of waiting for your ex, you’re not just spending time. You’re creating a bond — even a partial one — with someone you’re not building a future with.
That bond complicates things in three ways:
- It muddies your internal state. The clarity you need to execute the re-engagement phase depends on knowing exactly what you want. Oxytocin bonding with someone new pulls attention in a direction you’re trying to not go.
- It can create a genuine emotional conflict. What starts as casual can develop into something that makes re-engagement with your ex feel confusing rather than clean.
- If it gets back to your ex, the dynamic shifts. This may or may not matter to them, but it introduces a variable you don’t control.
When Does It Help vs. Hurt?
| Why you’re doing it | Effect on your process | What to do instead |
|---|---|---|
| To fill the wait and manage anxiety | Complicates internal state through bonding; delays clarity | Address the anxiety directly; the waiting game is the work |
| To build social proof and confidence | Generally fine; keeps you present and attractive | Keep it light and unattached if your goal is still your ex |
| To make your ex jealous | Low control, high risk of looking desperate if it gets back to them | Social proof builds naturally without engineering jealousy |
| Because you genuinely like someone new | This may be your answer; examine it honestly | Trust what you find |
What Should You Do Instead of Filling the Wait?
- Name the real reason you’re considering it. Is it genuine interest, or is it anxiety looking for an outlet? The honest answer shapes everything.
- If it’s anxiety, address the anxiety. The discomfort of the wait is part of the process. Sleeping with someone new to manage it is like taking a painkiller for something that needs to heal.
- Keep dating light. Go on dates. Be social. Be seen. Let that build the genuine state of someone who’s moving forward, because you are. Just don’t go deep while your goal is elsewhere.
- Examine genuine interest honestly. If you meet someone who shifts your attention naturally, that’s data. Don’t dismiss it. The goal of the whole process is for you to be well, not to return to something out of compulsion.
- Don’t engineer jealousy through who you sleep with. Manufactured jealousy reads as desperate when it surfaces. Social proof created through genuinely living your life reads differently.
What Should You Avoid?
- Don’t sleep with someone new to manage the anxiety of waiting. You’re solving the wrong problem.
- Don’t engineer a situation to get back to your ex deliberately. It’s a manipulation move that, when it surfaces, doesn’t land the way you think it will.
- Don’t dismiss the oxytocin variable as irrelevant. Bonding is real. It complicates your state even when you think it won’t.
- Don’t let something that started as casual develop into something deep while your attention is still on getting your ex back. That’s unfair to everyone involved, including you.
What Does This Actually Look Like?
Two situations from coaching show the split. In one case, someone was four weeks into no-contact and started spending time with someone new, genuinely just to have company. Six weeks in, they were confused: attached to the new person, uncertain about whether they still wanted their ex, and unable to execute the re-engagement cleanly because their state was split. The process had to pause and restart from a different premise.
In another case, someone went on dates throughout no-contact, kept things social and light, and stayed clear about what they were building toward. When the window opened, they re-initiated from a grounded place (someone who’d been living well, not waiting) and the first exchange went exactly the way it was supposed to.
The difference wasn’t morality. It was state management.
Related questions
Why does oxytocin matter when I'm trying to get my ex back?
Oxytocin is released during physical intimacy and creates emotional bonding, even when you don't intend it. If you're sleeping with someone to manage the wait, that bonding complicates your clarity and can pull your attention away from the goal you're working toward.
Is it wrong to date other people during no-contact?
No. Dating, socializing, and being seen out with others all build the state you want: confident, unattached, moving forward. The concern is specifically about using physical intimacy as a coping mechanism, not about dating generally.
What if I genuinely like someone I meet during no-contact?
That's worth examining honestly. If attraction has genuinely shifted, it might mean you've started moving on, which is useful information. The warning applies when you're using someone new to fill the wait, not when real interest is present.
Will my ex find out if I sleep with someone during no-contact?
They might. But that's secondary. The bigger risk is internal: bonding to someone you're not building with, and entering re-engagement from a muddled internal state rather than a clear one.
How do I know if I'm filling the wait versus genuinely interested in someone new?
Ask yourself: if your ex reached out tomorrow and said let's try again, would you feel conflicted? If the answer is yes, you're filling the wait.