How do I get my ex back?
Short answer: Stop all contact first, for three to six months, set by your ex's attachment style and how much chasing you've already done. Spend that time rebuilding your sleep, your body, and your life instead of watching a timer. Then send one short, plain message with no apology attached, and date them again under strict rules for about two months before the relationship comes up. Plan on five to eight months end to end, and know it's never guaranteed.
Whatever version of the question brought you here (get ex back, can I get my ex back, how can I get my ex back), the honest answer is the same one. It’s a process, not a message, and most of it happens in silence.
I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back. The people I coach who actually get their ex back almost never do it by finding the right words. They do it by changing what they’re doing for months, then reaching out once.
What should I do today?
Nothing. That counts as a real move.
Don’t send the message you’ve been drafting. Don’t reply to their last text yet. Don’t ask a mutual friend to check in for you. Your body is telling you to act right now, and that’s exactly why you shouldn’t trust it. A breakup fires the same threat response as physical danger, and the begging text or the surprise visit is panic wearing a plan’s clothes.
For the next 24 hours: eat a real meal, drink water instead of alcohol, sleep with your phone out of the room, move your body once, call one person who isn’t your ex, and mute them on social media (don’t block, that’s a louder signal than you want to send yet). Then send nothing.
If you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, none of this matters more than you being okay. In the US, call or text 988 tonight.
What’s the full process, step by step?
| Phase | Duration | What you’re doing |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Stabilize | First 1–2 weeks | Stop making it worse. No long message, no grand gesture. |
| 2. No-contact | 3–6 months | Rebuild your body, state, and life while their feelings surface on their own. |
| 3. Re-entry | One message | Send a short, warm text with no pretext, and see what comes back. |
| 4. Dating again | ~2 months | Rebuild attraction under a few strict rules while trust returns. |
| 5. The conversation | One talk | Raise the relationship once, from a regulated state, with real conditions attached. |
Most of the calendar is silence. Most of the actual work happens inside you, not in a text thread.
How long should no-contact last?
Three months at the floor, six at the ceiling. Where you land depends on your ex’s attachment style (avoidant exes need the longer end, since their suppression doesn’t lift until around month three), how long you were together, and how much chasing you’ve already done since the breakup. The clock starts at your last violation, not the day of the breakup.
During the window: you never initiate, you respond warmly and briefly if they reach out, and you don’t monitor their social media. The real work is rebuilding your sleep, your body, and your identity so the person who eventually reaches out isn’t the same one who got dumped.
What do I send when no-contact ends?
Ten words: “Hey, it’s been a long time. How have you been?” No apology, no explanation, nothing about missing them. Send it once, midweek, and never follow up if nothing comes back. Whatever their reply looks like, match their energy rather than exceeding it, and don’t rush toward defining anything.
What are the real odds?
Relationships that still had real compatibility and real feeling on both sides come back together more often than not in the cases I see, when the process is actually followed. No honest percentage exists for your situation; anyone quoting one is guessing. Relationships that were already over before the breakup almost never do, no matter how well the message is written.
When should I not try?
Skip this entirely if there was abuse on either side, if your ex is married or deeply settled with someone else, if you’ve genuinely lost the desire and just miss not being alone, or if the pattern that broke things was structural rather than a bad stretch. Good news for all of those cases: the work of rebuilding your state and your life is the same work either way. Plenty of people start this wanting their ex back and finish it wanting their own life more. That’s not a failure of the process.
For the complete day-by-day protocol, including the exact no-contact rules, the re-entry message script, and the dating-phase rules, start with the full guide.
Related questions
What are the real odds of getting my ex back?
Nobody can hand you an honest percentage; anyone who does is selling certainty, not accuracy. What's true directionally: every text you send out of panic lowers your odds, and every month you hold a clean no-contact window raises them. Treat it as a probability you influence, not an outcome you control.
How long does it actually take to get an ex back?
Plan on five to eight months from breakup to relationship conversation. That's three to six months of no-contact, a short re-entry window, then about two months of dating again before the topic comes up. Anyone promising your ex back in a month is selling to your panic, not solving your problem.
Does this process work on an avoidant ex?
Yes, and it's part of why the three-month floor exists at all. An avoidant ex suppresses their feelings right after a breakup, and that suppression doesn't start lifting until around month three. From the outside they look fine. Underneath, they're usually not.
Is trying to get my ex back a form of manipulation?
Not if you run it straight. The reason this works is that you actually rebuild your state and your life during the silence, not that you fake a version of yourself for a few messages. You can't fake regulation. Your ex reads your real state the moment you reach out.
What if my ex is already seeing someone else?
Give the new relationship at least six months before you reach out. Early on, it takes up too much of their attention for your message to land cleanly. Most rebounds fade within three to six months on their own, and drawing attention to the new person only makes them more important than they need to be.