How Do I Stop Chasing When My Ex Runs Hot and Cold?
Short answer: Don't chase, and don't punish the cold spells by going cold yourself. Match her effort level at most, disengage without reacting when she pulls back, and let the pressure of your absence build on its own. Chasing removes the exact thing that makes an avoidant ex feel the pull toward you. Holding your position, calmly and without commentary, is what actually moves her forward.
How Do I Stop Chasing When My Ex Runs Hot and Cold?
Your ex reaches out, things feel good, then she goes quiet for a stretch, then reaches out again like nothing happened. The pattern is confusing on purpose, or at least it feels that way, and every instinct says the fix is to chase harder during the cold stretches so you don’t lose whatever ground you gained.
Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, sees this as one of the most common ways men undo real progress. Chasing an avoidant ex does the opposite of what it feels like it should do. It removes the pressure that makes her miss you, and it confirms that pulling away is a lever she can pull whenever she wants a reaction.
Why Does Holding Your Position Work Better Than Chasing?
An avoidant ex needs to feel the absence of pursuit before the pull toward you becomes real. If you chase every time she creates distance, she never actually feels that absence. The dynamic resets before it has a chance to do anything.
Cold-shouldering, slow replies, and other testing behaviors only work as a strategy if you react to them. No reaction means no reward, and eventually the behavior stops paying off for her. Matching her effort rather than exceeding it is also the calibration that reads as confident instead of desperate.
| What she does | What chasing looks like | What holding position looks like |
|---|---|---|
| Goes quiet after a good exchange | Double-texting, asking what happened | Letting it sit, staying on your own schedule |
| Responds with short, low-effort replies | Sending long, enthusiastic messages back | Matching her tone and length |
| Tests you with a cold or dismissive comment | Explaining yourself or getting defensive | Staying even, letting it pass |
| Opens up and gets warm | Rushing to escalate the conversation | Enjoying it, then ending on a high note |
| Says something that stings | Reacting immediately | Waiting, responding from a regulated state later if at all |
What Should I Do When She Runs Hot and Cold?
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Track who’s initiating more. If you’re the one reaching out more often, you’re the one chasing. That’s the first thing to fix.
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Match her effort, don’t exceed it. Keep pace with where she currently is in the conversation or the relationship. Don’t go further than that just because you want to.
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When she’s warm, enjoy it and end well. Ride the good moments, but be the one to close the exchange on a high note rather than trying to stretch it further.
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When she doesn’t engage, let it go. Try once, then disengage without commentary. You can come back to it later. You don’t need to force a response now.
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Stay neutral when she tests or provokes you. A cold comment or a pulling-away move is often a bid to see if you’ll chase. Don’t take the bait.
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Repeat the pattern consistently. This works through repetition. Every non-reaction teaches her that pursuit pressure doesn’t move you, which is what makes her start moving toward you instead.
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If she seems uncertain, ease back slightly rather than pushing forward. Uncertainty from her is usually a sign you’re leaning in a bit more than the moment calls for.
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When it’s genuinely her move, wait for it. Don’t fill the silence just because it’s uncomfortable.
What Should I Avoid?
Don’t chase the moment she opens up. That’s the exact point most people blow it, rushing to meet warmth with more warmth than the moment has earned yet.
Don’t react to testing behavior. Going cold in response, hanging up, or getting passive-aggressive back confirms that her tactic works, and she’ll keep using it.
Don’t push for time or contact just because an opportunity is close. Letting something pass untouched is often the stronger move than squeezing it in.
Don’t let your next move be a reaction to her last one. Operate from your own frame, not as a counter-move to whatever she just did.
Don’t go deeper into personal or emotional territory than she’s leading. If she steers there, follow. If she hasn’t, don’t force it.
What Has Benny Seen This Look Like?
Two clients, both dealing with an ex who ran warm one week and distant the next. One kept escalating every time things went cold, sending a check-in text to see what had changed, which reliably produced a slower, flatter reply the next time contact happened. When he stopped reaching during the cold stretches and simply let them pass, the pattern shifted. The cold stretches got shorter, and she started initiating again on her own.
The other client had a harder time with a specific pattern: his ex would test him with a dismissive or slightly cruel comment, almost baiting a reaction. The instinct was to defend himself or call it out. Staying flat and unbothered instead, without addressing it directly, took away the payoff. The behavior faded within a few exchanges.
Neither situation resolved because of one clever move. It resolved because chasing stopped being an option, and the only thing left for her to do was close the distance herself.
Related questions
What counts as chasing versus just responding normally?
Chasing is initiating more than she is, escalating after she pulls back, or reaching further than where she currently is in a conversation. Responding warmly when she reaches out first isn't chasing. Count who's moving toward whom more often. That answers it.
What do I do when she goes cold or gives me the silent treatment?
Nothing, on purpose. Going cold or pulling away after a good stretch is often a bid to see if you'll chase. Stay neutral, don't escalate, don't explain yourself. A non-reaction is the only thing that teaches her chasing dynamics don't work on you.
Isn't ignoring her just going to push her away for good?
Not if you're matching her energy rather than going colder than she is. The goal isn't punishment, it's parity. You're not disappearing. You're simply not exceeding her current level of investment.
How long before this actually works?
It's a repetition game, not a single move. Each time you don't chase, you teach her that pulling away or testing you doesn't get a reaction. That takes weeks of consistency, not one good non-reaction.
What if she seems uncertain or hesitant even when I'm not chasing?
That's usually a sign you're still leaning toward her a little more than the moment calls for. Dial back slightly rather than pushing harder. Uncertainty on her end is information, not a reason to close the gap yourself.