How do I stop comparing myself to the guy my ex is seeing?
Short answer: Stop comparing. That math always loses. The other person is irrelevant. Benny Lichtenwalner's principle is blunt: men chase excellence, women chase men. Your energy belongs in your own life, not in measuring yourself against the competition. The guy who tries least and brings the most fun wins every time. Comparison is a frame you lose the moment you play it.
How do I stop comparing myself to the guy my ex is seeing?
You probably can’t stop the feeling. But you can stop feeding it, and you can stop letting it drive decisions. The comparison loop is one of the most reliable ways to lose ground during the reconnection process, and it’s almost entirely in your own head.
Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, is direct about this: “The other guy is irrelevant. The guy who tries least and has the most fun wins every single time.” It sounds like a pep talk, but it’s a read of how attraction actually works.
Why is the comparison loop a trap?
When you compare yourself to whoever your ex is seeing, you’re operating on the assumption that attraction is a scoreboard: if you’re objectively better, she should come back. That’s not how attraction works, and it’s especially not how re-attraction works after a breakup.
The guy she’s seeing might not be better than you on paper. He might be funnier. He might just care less. That second thing (caring less, appearing less invested, being more relaxed about the outcome) is a genuine competitive advantage that has nothing to do with credentials or looks. And the moment you start obsessing over the comparison, you’re demonstrating the opposite of it.
| Comparison loop | Excellence frame |
|---|---|
| “He’s better-looking than me” | “What am I building today?” |
| “She chose him over me” | “Who am I becoming?” |
| “I need to impress her more” | “Am I the most enjoyable person in the room?” |
| “What does he have that I don’t?” | “What am I doing that creates genuine joy?” |
| “Maybe I should post something to show her what she’s missing” | “Go live your life. That’s already the move” |
What does “men chase excellence, women chase men” mean in practice?
Benny Lichtenwalner uses this framing specifically because it redirects your energy in the right direction. Men who are attractive to women are building something: their own life, their own skills, their own enjoyment. They’re not monitoring the competition.
When you’re chasing her (or competing with whoever she’s seeing), you’re breaking the whole frame. You’ve made her the center of your focus, and that focus reads as low-status. The fix is to turn your energy toward your own excellence and let that work do the job.
What does unreactivity actually do?
One of the most effective things you can do when your ex is seeing someone is stay completely unreactive to it. Don’t reach out. Don’t post reactive content. Don’t try to manufacture a situation where she’ll see you looking great next to a group of people.
Unreactivity isn’t weakness. It starves the dynamic of the dramatic reaction it’s fishing for. If she’s moved on to someone else partly to test whether you’ll come crawling (and sometimes that’s exactly what’s happening), staying genuinely unbothered is the answer. Not performed unbothered. Actually redirected, actually building something, actually living.
What should you actually do?
- Stop the comparison loop the moment you catch it. Name it: comparison spiral. You can’t redirect energy you’re not tracking.
- Default to the playful frame. Before any interaction with your ex, or about your ex, your internal setting is light, fun, not trying too hard. That’s the baseline, not a tactic.
- Don’t monitor the competition. What he’s doing, what he looks like, what they’re doing together: none of it is your business or your leverage. The more you track it, the more power you hand over.
- Invest in genuine skills. Improv comedy, a sport, a social activity — anything that builds real spontaneity and enjoyment. The playful, easy presence that wins attraction isn’t faked; it’s built.
- Accept your own gaps without ego. If you made mistakes in the relationship, own them cleanly. That self-acceptance is part of the masculine posture that creates attraction. Fragile-ego responses to gaps only reinforce them.
What should you avoid doing?
- Don’t compare yourself to the other guy out loud or internally and declare yourself better. “I’m ten times better than him” is your ego protecting itself, not an accurate read.
- Don’t initiate a serious conversation when you’re triggered by the comparison. The stone-on-your-chest feeling is real, but it’s the worst possible time to say anything.
- Don’t reach out from a reactive state. Ever. Not “just to talk,” not “just to check in,” not “just to say one thing.”
- Don’t post mirror selfies or obvious status-flex content as your primary response to seeing her with someone else. It reads exactly as reactive as it is.
What shifted for clients who chose the excellence frame?
Two clients in Benny Lichtenwalner’s coaching practice (circumstances composited and changed throughout) both hit the wall of seeing their ex with someone new. One spent weeks monitoring the situation, comparing himself, and spiraling into reactive text exchanges when he saw photos. His ex moved further away each time. Another client, in a similar situation, made a deliberate choice to stop tracking it entirely. He started going out more, invested in a social activity he’d been putting off, and genuinely shifted his focus. His ex reached out within a month without any prompting.
The difference wasn’t the situations. It was the frame. One was chasing. One was building.
Related questions
How do I know if I'm actually worse than the other guy or just spiraling?
Almost certainly spiraling. The comparison loop is anxiety in disguise, not analysis. She didn't choose him because he's better on a scorecard. Ask what he's doing differently, not whether he's superior.
She downgraded to someone clearly beneath me — why is she with him?
Maybe he's funnier. Maybe he just cares less. That second one matters more than most people want to hear. Being less invested, more relaxed, and more fun is a real competitive advantage — regardless of what's on paper.
What does 'men chase excellence, women chase men' actually mean in practice?
It means your energy goes into building yourself instead of chasing her: your fitness, your skills, your social life, your enjoyment. When you're genuinely focused on excellence, you stop chasing, and that non-chasing is what makes you attractive.
What should I actually be doing instead of monitoring what he and my ex are doing?
Build something. Work out. Go out with people you enjoy. Take an improv class. Do whatever puts you in a state of genuine enjoyment and forward motion. That state, not strategy, is what creates attraction.
Is it okay to feel jealous, or does that ruin everything?
Feeling jealous is human. Acting from jealousy is what causes the damage. Don't reach out when you're triggered, don't post reactive content, and don't manufacture situations to provoke her. Feel it, and then redirect.