How Do I Tell If He's Actually Interested or Just Being Nice?

By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach & author of How to Get Your Ex Back · Updated 2026-09-10

Short answer: Watch what he does, not how flirty he sounds. An avoidant ex who stays in conversations, comes back around, or finds small excuses to show up is showing real interest even without overt enthusiasm. Match your response to his actual effort rather than the effort you wish he'd put in. When you pull back slightly, watch whether he moves forward. That's your real signal.

How Do I Tell If He’s Actually Interested or Just Being Nice?

He’s not cold, but he’s not chasing either. He replies, he shows up, he seems fine when you talk, but nothing about it feels like the clear green light you’re waiting for. That ambiguous middle zone is where most people either over-invest out of discomfort with not knowing, or misread ordinary avoidant behavior as rejection.

Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, teaches clients to read investment through behavior rather than tone. Avoidant exes don’t perform interest the way anxious people expect. They stay in a conversation longer than they’d stay with someone they don’t want around, they circle back, they find small excuses to be near you. That’s the signal, even when it doesn’t come wrapped in enthusiasm.

Why Does Proportional Response Work Better Than Reading Tone?

An avoidant ex is wired to pursue what he doesn’t already fully have. The moment you’re fully available regardless of what he’s putting in, you stop being a challenge, and he stops moving toward you.

There’s also a conditioning effect. If he’s used to getting immediate, high-enthusiasm responses no matter what he offers, that becomes his baseline expectation, and he stops working for anything more. Responding in proportion to his actual effort, rather than to how you feel or what you want to give, keeps you from either chasing or going cold, and it recalibrates what he’s used to getting from you.

What Should I Actually Do?

1. Read his actual behavior, not your feeling about it. People fade fast when they’re not interested. If he’s still responding and still finding reasons to be around, that’s real, even without overt flirtation.

2. Match his effort rather than exceeding it. If he’s giving short, low-energy responses, keep yours proportionate. If he’s clearly investing more, you can open up further.

3. Let a stalling conversation stall. Don’t rescue it. If he’s not carrying it forward, let it trail off and try again another time.

4. Keep something back. Don’t volunteer everything about yourself upfront. If he’s interested, he’ll ask, and having to ask is part of what builds his investment.

5. Skip the reactive moves. Don’t message to clarify something you said, don’t comment on his posts from an anxious place, don’t rearrange your plans just because it’s convenient for him.

6. Notice what happens when you ease back. If he moves toward you when you create a little space, that’s confirmation the approach is working. If he doesn’t, that’s information too, not a reason to close the gap yourself.

7. Break any pattern of instant availability deliberately. If he’s used to getting an immediate response no matter what, don’t reply instantly for a while. He needs to stop assuming you’re available on demand.

What Should I Avoid?

Don’t disappear entirely when he’s giving low effort. Going fully silent is a different tool for a different phase. Matching low effort with proportional, not zero, effort is the move here.

Don’t treat small, low-effort gestures like they’re major steps forward. A casual drop-by or a low-effort text isn’t the same as him actually stepping up, even if it feels exciting in the moment.

Don’t comment on his social media from a place of wanting to be noticed. Even a casual comment can read as watching and reaching, and it may make him pull back rather than lean in.

Don’t send a follow-up to clarify or soften something you said. It almost always reads as anxious rather than thoughtful.

Don’t act more enthusiastic about a plan than he is. If he’s low-key about something, matching or going a little flatter keeps the balance in your favor.

What Has Benny Seen This Look Like?

Two clients were both stuck reading an avoidant ex’s low-key behavior as a bad sign. One kept escalating: longer messages, quicker replies, more effort every time he gave the slightest opening. The pattern didn’t shift. He kept responding, but never stepped up further, because there was never a gap for him to close.

The other had the opposite instinct, going fully cold the moment he seemed distant, worried that any warmth on her part would read as weak. That read his ordinary low-key style as disinterest and nearly ended things that weren’t actually over.

Both shifted to the same approach: respond warmly, but proportionally, and watch what happened when they stopped closing every gap themselves. In both cases, once the constant over-availability stopped, he started doing more of the reaching.