How do I use playfulness to rebuild attraction with my ex?

By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach & author ofHow to Get Your Ex Back · Updated2026-08-17

Short answer: Playfulness is the mechanism that rebuilds attraction, not a bonus. In re-contact, shift from friendly-only into teasing and light banter: find a specific hook, give them a little attitude instead of compliments, build a back-and-forth volley, then end the interaction first. That sequence creates tension. Compliments collapse it.

How do I use playfulness to rebuild attraction with my ex?

Staying friendly keeps you in the friend zone. It doesn’t make them feel anything — and if nothing is moving, you’re maintaining the same status quo that got you broken up in the first place.

The shift Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, prescribes in the re-contact phase is not a better text or a deeper conversation. It’s bringing genuine playfulness in: light teasing, banter, the kind of back-and-forth energy that makes them look forward to talking to you. Every interaction is a window to create a feeling in them. If you’re not creating that feeling, you’re maintaining the status quo.

When does this apply?

What does playful engagement actually look like?

1. Find the hook in what’s already there. Look at their quirks, their hobbies, whatever’s in the room. You’re noticing material, not inventing jokes from scratch. If they’re a golfer, there’s something there. If there’s a shared history you can reference, there’s something there.

2. Tease instead of compliment. Compliments hand over your cards. Teasing shows you’re not in approval-seeking mode. Give them a little attitude, treat them a bit like a brat, clap back. That’s the register.

3. Build the volley. You want back-and-forth: your joke, their response, their question back. If they’re laughing and engaging, you’re in it. That rhythm is also the signal to watch before you push for plans.

4. Go in and out of flirt mode. Don’t stay in it for the whole conversation. Sprinkle it in between normal moments. The spacing creates anticipation.

5. End it first, after the fun has landed. Once the playful moment is there, you leave. “See you Wednesday” energy. Let them want more, not more of you explaining yourself.

6. Use logistics as an opening. If they reach out about something practical, that’s not just admin. It’s an opportunity to be fun from the start.

7. When they play with you, play back. If they say “quit flirting,” they’re flirting. Clap back rather than going serious or missing the signal.

What kills playful engagement?

Don’t stay friendly-only. It keeps you in the friend zone and nothing moves.

Don’t use pet names. They try to recreate relationship intimacy too fast. That’s a different register.

Don’t open with deep personal questions. Starting with an interview kills the energy before it starts.

Don’t ask where things stand. That zeroes out every fun exchange you’ve built. Make them arrive at wanting you back — don’t ask them to confirm it early.

Don’t drop the playful baseline when they go cold for a moment. You can dial back the flirt, but keep the fun energy up.

What does this look like in practice?

Two clients, different situations, same pattern. One had been in near-daily text contact with her ex for weeks: always friendly, nothing moving. She started finding specific things to tease him about — small quirks from the relationship — and cut conversations short once the fun landed instead of letting them drag. He started initiating within a couple of weeks.

The other had a co-parenting situation where every exchange was logistical. She started using those routine contact moments as openings: a brief back-and-forth, a bit of lightness, then she wrapped it up first. What had been five-word transactional replies became something with energy behind them.

Neither asked where things stood. Neither tried to have a meaningful conversation about the relationship. They made the interactions better and the dynamic followed.