How do I get my girlfriend back?
Short answer: Before you try to get your girlfriend back, check whether the relationship had real compatibility, or you just miss the routine. If it's worth trying, stop all contact this week, skip the explanation, and spend the next few months fixing the actual pattern that broke things instead of waiting on a reply. The same steps work for getting your boyfriend back too.
Before anything else: getting your girlfriend back starts with a harder question than “how,” and that question is whether it’s actually worth it. I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, and the people I’ve coached who succeed at this almost always answer that question honestly before they do anything else. Everything below works the same way for getting a boyfriend back, too.
Is it actually worth trying?
Run this check before you spend months on a process.
| Sign it’s worth trying | Sign it isn’t |
|---|---|
| You miss the actual relationship, not just having someone | You mostly miss not being alone |
| The breakup came from a fixable pattern (bad timing, unresolved conflict, distance) | The breakup came from contempt, repeated betrayal, or years of the same fight |
| You can name specifically what you’d do differently | You can’t say what would actually change |
| She’s shown ambivalence, not certainty, about ending it | She’s told you clearly and repeatedly it’s over |
| Neither of you has moved on with someone else, seriously | She’s engaged, married, or genuinely settled elsewhere |
If most of your answers land in the left column, the process below is worth running. If they land in the right column, is the breakup really final? is the more honest next page to read.
The first week
- Go no-contact today. No texts, no calls, no liking or viewing her social media. This isn’t a game to make her chase you; it’s the only way either of you gets real distance from the day-to-day pull.
- Don’t send an explanation. “I need space” or “I think we should stop talking for a while” feels considerate. It’s still contact, and it keeps the conversation open instead of actually closing it.
- Remove the temptation, not just the willpower. Mute her stories, put her contact somewhere you won’t see it by accident. You’re not proving you can resist checking; you’re removing the input entirely.
- Write down, honestly, what broke it. Not the version where you did nothing wrong. The real version, the one that tells you what actually needs to change.
- Get your own routine back on track. Sleep, food, movement, one friend you actually talk to. This isn’t self-care as decoration; it’s the baseline everything else in this process gets built on.
What happens after the first week?
No-contact runs three to six months from here, set by her attachment style, how long you were together, and how much chasing you’ve already done. Then one short, plain re-entry message with no apology attached, and a dating phase of about two months under a few strict rules before the relationship comes up again. The complete process is in the full guide, and it’s the same sequence regardless of which of you is trying to win the other back.
What actually works, and what backfires
Space, honest self-work, and a low-pressure re-entry move the odds in your favor. Constant texting, grand gestures, and trying to make her jealous with someone new move them the other way, every time I’ve watched it tried. The instinct to do more is almost always the wrong instinct here. The relationship gets rebuilt by who you become during the silence, not by anything you say to fill it.
Honest odds: relationships that still had real compatibility on both sides come back together more often than not when this process gets followed. No honest percentage exists for your situation; anyone quoting one is guessing. Relationships that were already over before the breakup almost never do, no matter how well the comeback is run.
Related questions
Does this process work the same for getting a boyfriend back?
Yes. Nothing about no-contact, the re-entry message, or the self-work changes based on gender. The one thing that shifts is timeline: dismissive avoidant exes, who show up in both genders but trend slightly more common among men in my coaching experience, tend to need a longer no-contact window before they're ready to reconnect.
Should I tell my ex I want her back?
Not upfront, and not through a heartfelt speech. Telling her outright, especially early, puts the whole relationship's future on her answer in that one moment, which reads as pressure, not attraction. Showing it through space, real change, and a calm re-entry works better than saying it does.
What if my girlfriend is already talking to someone else?
Focus on your own process regardless. You can't out-compete a new interest by escalating effort, and trying broadcasts exactly the neediness that pushes people away. If the relationship is worth rebuilding, it survives you not reacting to this. If it doesn't survive that, it likely wasn't going to work anyway.
How do I get my ex to miss me?
Stop being available. Not as manipulation, as the actual mechanism: people don't miss what's still in front of them. A real no-contact period is what creates the space for missing someone to happen. Trying to engineer missing you through posts or mutual friends short-circuits the process and usually reads as obvious.
What's the first thing I should do this week?
Stop all contact today, no exceptions, and don't send an explanation for why you're going quiet. The explanation is itself a form of contact, and it invites a conversation that keeps you in her head as unfinished business, not as someone who's moved on to work on themselves.