I want to get back with my ex. What do I do?
Short answer: Wanting to get back with your ex only turns into a plan once you've checked whether it's grounded: a fixable reason things ended, real compatibility underneath it, no abuse or contempt. If it checks out, stop contact for three to six months, fix what actually broke things, then send one short message. Wanting isn't the same as it being right.
“I want to get back with my ex” reads like a decision already made. Most of the time it’s closer to a strong feeling that hasn’t been checked yet. I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back. The people I coach who act on this well test it first. The ones who struggle skip straight to a plan built on wanting alone.
Is the want actually grounded?
| It’s grounded | It’s not yet |
|---|---|
| You can name the specific, fixable pattern that broke things | You can’t say what would actually be different this time |
| There was real compatibility underneath the ending | You mostly miss the routine of having someone |
| Neither of you has moved on seriously with someone else | One of you is settled elsewhere already |
| The breakup came from bad timing or unresolved conflict | It came from contempt, betrayal, or years of the same fight |
Wanting someone back and it being the right call aren’t the same thing, and the gap between them is exactly where most people get stuck acting too fast.
If it checks out, what do I actually do?
- Stop contact now, without announcing why. Telling them you want to get back together this early puts pressure on a moment neither of you is ready for.
- Do the honest accounting. Write down what actually ended it, not the version that makes it someone else’s fault. This is what determines whether reaching out later leads anywhere real.
- Hold a real no-contact window. Three to six months, longer if your ex tends avoidant or if there’s been contact since the breakup.
- Change the specific thing that broke it. Quietly. A pattern you’ve actually worked on shows up in how you behave, not in a speech about your growth.
- Send one short, plain message when the window’s done. No declaration, no backstory, no pressure. Let the relationship itself carry the weight, not the announcement.
What if I already told them I want them back?
It doesn’t end the process, it just changes the starting point. Stop any further pursuit now, hold real space, and let your actions over the next few months be the follow-up instead of more words. A second and third statement of the same feeling reads as pressure, not sincerity, no matter how true it is.
What kills this before it starts?
Leading with the declaration instead of the work. A long message explaining exactly how much you’ve realized. Reaching out repeatedly to “just talk it through.” Every one of these treats wanting them back as the whole case, when the actual case gets built in the months of silence and change that come before any message at all.
What this looks like in practice
A composite of cases I’ve coached, details changed. One person was certain within a week of the breakup that they wanted their ex back, and said so directly. It didn’t land, and the relationship needed several more months of real space before either person was in a place to try again on steadier ground.
Another sat with the want quietly for two months before acting on anything, using the time to get honest about what had actually gone wrong. By the time they reached out, the message was short, calm, and got a warm reply within the day. The want was the same in both cases. What changed the outcome was what happened in between.
What are the honest odds?
Relationships with real compatibility underneath the breakup come back together more often than not, in the cases I see, when the time apart gets used well. There’s no honest percentage for any one situation. Relationships that had already lost that compatibility before the breakup rarely hold, no matter how strong the want feels right now.
For the full process, including the exact re-entry message and the dating-phase rules, see how to get an ex back.
Related questions
I've decided I want my ex back. Is that enough to start?
It's enough to check, not enough to act on yet. Deciding you want something and confirming it's actually worth pursuing are two different steps. Run the check below first. Skipping it is how people spend months rebuilding a relationship that had already run its course.
What if I want them back but I'm the one who ended it?
The process barely changes. You still owe them real space rather than a fast reversal, and you still need to be honest about why you ended it in the first place. A quick U-turn right after a breakup usually reads as impulsive rather than considered, on either side.
How do I tell my ex I want to get back together?
You don't lead with a statement. You lead with space, real change, and a short, low-pressure message once enough time has passed. Announcing the decision outright puts the whole relationship on their answer in one moment, which plays as pressure, not conviction.
What if wanting them back doesn't fade after a few weeks?
That's worth listening to, not something to override with more waiting. Run the honest check on whether it's the relationship or the loneliness talking, and if it holds up, that's your signal to start the actual process instead of sitting with the want indefinitely.
Is it too late if I want to get back with my ex and time has already passed?
Rarely, if there's still real feeling on both sides and the breakup came from something fixable. It gets closer to too late the longer the gap gets filled with someone new on either side, not because of a clock running out on its own.