Is my anxiety during no contact creating the problem I'm afraid of?

By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach & author ofHow to Get Your Ex Back · Updated2026-08-10

Short answer: Anxiety during no contact is a thought about what might happen, not a feeling about what's happening. The worry leaks into your behavior and energy, which your ex picks up on and withdraws from. Benny Lichtenwalner calls this the self-fulfilling spiral: the fear itself produces the outcome you're afraid of.

Is my anxiety during no contact creating the problem I’m afraid of?

Anxiety during no contact isn’t a feeling about what’s happening — it’s a thought about what might happen. Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, puts it bluntly: anxiety is a thought control problem, not a reality problem. The spiral you’re in exists in the future, not in the present moment.

And here’s what makes it dangerous: worry leaks. It shows up in your tone, your timing, and the decisions you make, and your ex registers it, even indirectly.

What does “anxiety leaks” actually mean?

When you’re caught in a spiral, the anxiety doesn’t stay internal. It pushes you toward actions that break the plan:

• You send a “just checking in” text that is really a temperature check (Rule 1 violation)
• You post a photo with someone else to manufacture jealousy from a panicked state; it reads as desperate, not attractive
• You reach out three days too early because the silence feels unbearable

Those aren’t neutral actions. They’re signals. And your ex, especially if they’re a dismissive avoidant, reads that energy as confirmation that reconnecting means more intensity and more pressure.

How does the self-fulfilling spiral work?

The catastrophe wasn’t real at stage 2. It became real at stage 5, because anxiety drove the action that caused it.

When does anxiety actually cost you something?

Anxiety by itself costs you nothing; your ex isn’t in your head. It only becomes a problem when it produces behavior. That’s the intervention point.

This applies when:

• You’re catastrophizing neutral signals (silence, a seen-but-not-replied message, a social media interaction)
• You’re considering doing something impulsive to “test” where things stand
• You’re building worst-case narratives with no concrete behavioral evidence

This does NOT apply when:

• There is clear, concrete behavioral evidence of a problem; that warrants actual assessment, not dismissal

What to do when the spiral starts

1. Name it immediately. Label it: “This is overthinking. This is the spiral.” You can’t interrupt what you won’t name.
2. Check whether the problem is present or future. Ask: is something actually wrong right now, or am I projecting a future outcome? Almost always it’s the latter.
3. Get out of your head physically. Stop sitting with the thought. Move, do something, break the loop. The thought only compounds when you keep feeding it.
4. Do nothing impulsive. Don’t test your ex, don’t post bait, don’t reach out before your window. Actions taken from anxiety almost always break a rule and restart the clock.

What NOT to do

• Don’t try to solve the anxiety by gathering more information about your ex; that’s just anxiety feeding itself
• Don’t reach out “just to see”; that’s a temperature check dressed up as impulse
• Don’t manufacture jealousy triggers from a panicked state
• Don’t catastrophize silence. With a dismissive avoidant ex especially, silence is not confirmation it’s over

Why this matters with a dismissive avoidant ex

Two people in one coaching group had the same experience: they were convinced the silence from their ex (a dismissive avoidant in both cases) meant it was over. One sent a message checking in. The other did nothing. The one who stayed quiet heard from their ex six weeks later. The one who reached out restarted the clock and went another eight weeks before hearing anything.

The dismissive avoidant pattern includes withdrawal when they sense emotional pressure. Your anxious energy — picked up through behavior, not telepathy — is pressure. The silence from a DA is suppression, not rejection. They need time without intensity before they can feel the loss and move toward you.

The core insight

Benny Lichtenwalner frames it this way: the only reason the problem feels real is because you’re sitting around thinking about it. Your ex almost certainly isn’t running the same loop you are at that exact moment. You’re creating a problem that doesn’t exist yet.

Stay strong. The question that matters is whether you’re worrying or staying strong, not what your ex is thinking. Those two paths lead to very different outcomes.