What does it mean that 'men chase excellence and women chase men' when trying to get my ex back?
Short answer: Benny Lichtenwalner uses this principle to redirect clients who are chasing their ex: your energy goes into your own life, your own growth, your own enjoyment, not into pursuing her. When a man is visibly doing that, attraction follows without any chasing required. Excellence is the magnet; you are the man holding it.
What does it mean that “men chase excellence and women chase men”?
When you’re trying to get your ex back, the pull toward chasing is almost overwhelming: doing more, showing more, proving more. Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, uses a single principle to redirect that energy: men chase excellence, women chase men.
Your energy goes into your own life, your own growth, your own development, not into pursuing her. When a man is visibly doing that, attraction follows. You’re not the one doing the chasing; you’re the one being worth chasing.
Why effort and trying harder backfire
Effort is the tell. The person who tries harder loses leverage. This isn’t a manipulation; it’s how attraction actually works:
| Behavior | Signal she picks up |
|---|---|
| Constantly pursuing, high-effort | Neediness, low value, desperation |
| Playful, low-effort, present | Security, value, confidence |
| Reactive to her moods and tests | Fragility, easy to push around |
| Unreactive, stays grounded | Strength, trustworthiness, attractive frame |
| Comparing yourself to the other guy | Insecurity, low self-concept |
| Focused on your own growth | That you have a life worth wanting access to |
The three components of the masculine frame
1. Playfulness as your default
Before any interaction with your ex (a neutral encounter, a practical errand together, a social overlap), Benny Lichtenwalner recommends setting one internal instruction: light and fun, unbothered attitude. That’s the baseline: a default, not a performance.
Playfulness signals internal security. The man who can throw out a joke without needing it to land is demonstrating that he’s not managing an outcome. That stability is more attractive than whatever you were trying to say.
2. Unreactivity as frame-holding
When your ex pulls away, acts childish, or tries to get a reaction, don’t match the energy. Stay warm and unbothered. Reacting to petty behavior feeds it; staying unreactive starves it of the reward it’s looking for.
This is especially true in charged moments: a lawyer meeting, a school event, an accidental overlap. Your internal job is to be the most stable presence in the room, not the most impressive one.
3. Excellence as the competitive advantage
The common instinct when there’s another man in the picture is to compete: to be better on paper, more accomplished, more impressive. That’s the wrong battlefield.
You don’t beat the competition by being better-looking or more credentialed. You beat him by being the most enjoyable presence to be around. Fun is the competitive advantage he probably isn’t focusing on, because most men are running the same comparison loop you are.
What “accepting your gaps” has to do with attraction
Benny Lichtenwalner is direct on this: accepting that you’ve gotten something wrong is a gift, not a weakness. The men with the biggest egos have the biggest crashes. A man who can acknowledge where he fell short, without shame, without excessive self-criticism, is demonstrating the same internal security that the playful, unreactive frame communicates.
Fragile ego is unattractive because it’s defensive and unpredictable. Accepting your own gaps honestly signals that you’re secure enough not to need to protect a false image.
What NOT to do
- Don’t compare yourself to whoever she’s seeing or spending time with; that loop doesn’t produce anything useful
- Don’t initiate a serious conversation when you’re triggered and carrying a stone-on-chest feeling
- Don’t reach into a brief neutral encounter and try to make it into more than it is
- Don’t overthink your calibration in the moment; the overthinking is exactly the problem
- Don’t neglect social presence and physical skills; both are real and buildable
A composite example
Two men in similar situations both had a charged run-in with their ex at a shared social event. One monitored every interaction she had with other men, got quieter as the night went on, and left without saying much. The other walked in with the intention to have a genuinely good time, talked to everyone, was loose and funny, and kept his interactions with his ex brief, warm, and light. The second one got a text the next day. The first one went home spiraling.
The difference wasn’t looks or history. It was who seemed like the most enjoyable person to be around.
The core principle
Benny Lichtenwalner puts it plainly: the guy who tries least and has the most fun wins every single time. Stop trying to out-impress the competition. Build your own life, be the most enjoyable presence you can be, and stay unreactive to the noise. That’s the masculine posture that creates attraction — not the résumé.
Related questions
Why does focusing on myself work better than pursuing my ex?
Pursuing signals that you need the outcome. Focusing on yourself signals that your life has value independent of her decision. The second posture is more attractive than the first, not as a tactic, but as a genuine reality she can observe.
How do I be 'playful' around my ex without it feeling forced?
Benny Lichtenwalner recommends treating it as a default identity, not a tactic you calculate on the fly. Walk in with a light, fun attitude. The goal is to be the most enjoyable presence in the room, not because you're performing, but because you've stopped trying to manage the outcome.
What does 'unreactive' mean in practice?
It means not giving your ex's provocations, coldness, or tests the reaction they're designed to produce. If she gives you the cold shoulder, you stay warm and unbothered. If she tries to make you jealous, you don't take the bait. Staying unreactive starves the behavior of the attention it's fishing for.
Should I compare myself to the new guy my ex is seeing?
No. Comparison puts you in the wrong frame entirely. The relevant question isn't whether you're better than him on paper; it's whether you're the most fun, least-trying presence she interacts with. If you're running the comparison loop, you've already given away the frame.
What if I actually have done things wrong in the relationship?
Accepting your own gaps without ego is part of the masculine posture, not a contradiction of it. Benny Lichtenwalner is direct on this: the men with the biggest egos have the biggest crashes. Acknowledging what you got wrong (without shame or self-flagellation) signals security, not weakness.