What Internal State Do I Need Before I Can Attract My Ex Back?
Short answer: Fix your internal state first. Avoidant exes detect needy energy through body language and tone before you say a word, and you cannot fake it. Build the energy on purpose: daily self-talk that shifts your identity, behaviors that give you real evidence, and specific exercises in the hour before you see them. The right internal state is the prerequisite.
What Internal State Do I Need Before I Can Attract My Ex Back?
Most re-attraction coaching focuses on what to say and when to say it. Benny Lichtenwalner’s experience coaching hundreds of clients is that this misses the actual problem.
The words matter far less than the state you’re in when you say them.
If your internal state is anxious, hopeful, or low-energy, it leaks through your vocal tone, your posture, how you hold eye contact, how quickly you respond. Dismissive avoidants pick this up before you’ve said a word. You cannot recover from a bad internal state with a better script.
Why Can’t I Just Act Confident?
Acting confident and being confident look the same for about thirty seconds. After that, the internal state bleeds through.
Avoidant exes are especially sensitive to inauthenticity. They read emotional flooding and approval-seeking as disqualifying. They don’t process it consciously in the moment; they just feel themselves pulling away from you. And you can’t counter that with better wording.
The only play is to get the internal state genuinely right before you walk in the door.
When Does This Apply?
| Situation | Apply this? |
|---|---|
| You have an upcoming in-person interaction with your ex | Yes — do the pre-interaction protocols |
| Interactions are feeling flat, forced, or draining | Yes — the internal state needs rebuilding |
| You’re “in your head,” hoping the interaction goes well | Yes — that anticipation is anxiety, and it reads |
| You’re still in no-contact | The daily self-talk and identity work still applies; the pre-interaction tools are for when contact is happening |
| The issue is a broken Five Rule | Fix the rule break first; internal state work runs parallel, not instead |
How to Build the Right Internal State
Step 1: Change the self-talk (daily)
Start talking to yourself as the most desirable, highest-value version of yourself. Not as a performance for the mirror; as your actual operating frame throughout the day. When a negative thought comes up, notice it, let it pass, and actively replace it with the most positive version of the story.
Your self-talk is an identity setter. However you talk to yourself is actually what you are, and that’s how you act. Change the story consistently and the person changes. This is not positive-thinking fluff; it’s the mechanism.
Step 2: Stack behaviors that support the story
Self-talk without backing behavior collapses. Daily physical discipline gives you real evidence your body is worth confidence. Spending time around other people, staying socially active, doing things that genuinely make you feel good — these are not optional lifestyle choices. They’re what makes the internal story real.
Step 3: Pre-interaction energy protocols
Run these in the hour before you see your ex.
| Protocol | How | What it does |
|---|---|---|
| Power pose | Arms outstretched like you’re scaring off a bear, hold for 3 minutes with a forced smile | Triggers genuine hormonal and neurological shifts in your energy level |
| Highlight reel | Chain-link your best experiences in sequence in your mind: the career win, the social moment, the thing that reminded you of your value | Primes your reticular activating system to operate from a confident frame |
| Present-moment anchor | On the drive over, label everything you see on the road out loud | Interrupts the anxiety loop; keeps you present instead of pre-gaming the conversation in your head |
Step 4: Lead with your energy, not their cues
When you’re with your ex, your energy doesn’t match their coldness. You lead with fun. What you calibrate is your effort level, not your energy level. Your energy is always high; you just don’t try harder than they do.
Step 5: Stay self-amused, not performing
The baseline is low-effort self-amusement. You’re doing what you want to do. When that gets flat, swing into something genuinely silly or playful, just to keep yourself interested. The goal is that you come across as someone who’s enjoying their own existence, not someone who’s working to have an effect.
What NOT to Do
Don’t try to imitate fun you don’t actually feel. If you’re drained going in, they’ll feel it before you open your mouth. Get the internal state right first.
Don’t match cold energy with cold energy. When they’re closed off, you don’t get cold in return. You just stop chasing. Your energy stays up.
Don’t wait for the interaction to give you energy. You generate it independently. Their response is a downstream effect; it’s not the source.
Don’t confuse performance with the real thing. Being enthusiastically positive without genuine underlying energy reads as fake. It’s authentic higher energy you’re building, not a show.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Two clients, both scheduled to see their exes at events they’d been dreading. Both reported that they usually felt flat or anxious going into these situations and that the interactions left them feeling like they’d blown it somehow without doing anything obviously wrong.
One started doing the daily self-talk work two weeks before the event. The other added the pre-interaction energy protocols in the car on the way there.
Both reported a significant shift in how the interactions went, which is predictable once you understand that the quality of the interaction is mostly set before you arrive. Benny Lichtenwalner’s observation from hundreds of similar situations: the people who fix the internal state first consistently have better outcomes than those who work on the words.
The internal state is not a soft add-on to the strategy. It’s the prerequisite.
Related questions
Can I fake confidence with my ex?
No. Dismissive avoidants in particular read energy through your vocal tonality, posture, and facial expressions before you say anything. If you're drained or anxious internally, it leaks out before you open your mouth. The only play is to actually build the state, not perform it.
What is the power pose technique and does it actually work?
Stand with your arms outstretched (the posture you'd use to scare off a bear) for three minutes while holding a forced smile. It triggers genuine hormonal and neurological shifts, not just a placebo. Benny Lichtenwalner uses it as a pre-interaction ritual, not an ongoing practice.
How does self-talk change my actual energy, not just my mood?
Your self-talk is an identity setter, not just a mood hack. However you talk to yourself is who you actually become, which is how you act. Changing the internal story consistently changes the person, and that shows up as a real shift in energy that others detect.
What is the highlight reel technique?
Before an interaction with your ex, chain-link your best memories and experiences in sequence: a career win, a social moment you felt great in, anything that reminded you of your own value. Running this mental sequence in the car or in the hour before you meet them primes your state going in.
What if I can't get my internal state right before seeing my ex?
Don't engage if the internal state isn't there yet. A low-energy or anxious interaction does more damage than skipping it. The work is to get the state right before the interaction, not to push through and hope it goes fine.