What should I post on social media if my ex is a dismissive avoidant?
Short answer: Post infrequently, maybe once a week, and skip anything that looks like a hard flex or includes someone of the opposite sex. A dismissive-avoidant ex uses your posts to build a story that keeps them in control, and either extreme, going silent or posting constantly, hands them more material to work with than a steady, modest presence does.
I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, and social media strategy is one of the places where attachment style actually changes my advice. With a dismissive-avoidant ex, the calculation is different than it is with most other situations.
Why does a dismissive-avoidant ex care so much about my posts?
Dismissive-avoidant people like to control their environment. When you’re not communicating with them directly during no-contact, your social media becomes one of the only inputs they have, and they’ll use it to build a narrative that keeps them feeling in control, whether or not that narrative matches reality. Go fully silent, and that control gets taken away from them. That tends to make them curious enough to check in, sometimes just to confirm you’re okay.
What’s the actual tradeoff between posting and going silent?
| Approach | What it signals | Downside |
|---|---|---|
| Post nothing at all | Removes their ability to narrate your life, can prompt a check-in | You’re also invisible to everyone else you’re trying to meet or reconnect with |
| Post frequently, with visible flexes | Looks like performance, can threaten a dismissive ex’s self-esteem and push them further away | Reads as managed and try-hard |
| Post occasionally, modest content | Shows a life that’s moving without threatening them | Requires more restraint than either extreme |
How often should I actually post?
About once a week is a reasonable target. Favor group photos and activities over anything that reads as a flex aimed directly at them. Skip photos that look like you’re pairing off with someone, since that reads as “already in a relationship” rather than “living a full life,” which is the signal you actually want.
What NOT to do
- Don’t post a hard flex right after the breakup. A dismissive-avoidant ex already carries feelings of not being good enough, and a sudden show of how great your life is can confirm that fear and push them to withdraw further.
- Don’t go fully silent and stay silent indefinitely. It removes their control lever, but it also removes you from the dating pool and your broader social life.
- Don’t post exclusively about your ex’s absence or your recovery. That’s a different kind of performance, and it reads just as clearly.
- Don’t pin your entire social media strategy to one person’s attention. Diversify where your energy goes, even while you’re being thoughtful about what this one person sees.
A composite case
One client I coached went dark on every platform for three months, hoping the silence alone would do the work. His ex did eventually reach out, curious about where he’d gone, but he had nothing to show for the time apart beyond the silence itself. Another client kept a light, steady presence: a group dinner here, a weekend trip there, nothing aimed at anyone in particular. Her ex watched from a distance and eventually reached out with genuine curiosity rather than suspicion. The difference wasn’t the platform or the frequency exactly. It was that one life kept moving in a way that showed, and the other just went quiet and waited.
Related questions
Should I go completely silent on social media during no-contact with a dismissive-avoidant ex?
You can, and it removes their ability to read your posts and build a story around them. The tradeoff is that you're also invisible to everyone else, which makes it harder to build the rest of your life during no-contact. A quiet, occasional presence usually works better.
Why does my dismissive-avoidant ex seem to watch my posts so closely?
Dismissive-avoidant people like to feel in control of their environment. Your posts give them something to interpret and build a narrative around, which feels safer to them than the uncertainty of not knowing anything about your life.
Is it a bad idea to post a big achievement or a major flex?
With this attachment pattern specifically, yes, be careful. A dismissive-avoidant ex already carries self-esteem wounds, and a sudden hard flex can read to them as proof they weren't good enough for you, which tends to make them withdraw further rather than reach out.
Can I post photos with other people while I'm in no-contact?
Group photos are fine and actually help. Photos that look like you're pairing off with one specific person of the opposite sex tend to read as "already in a new relationship," which isn't the signal you want to send this early.