Should you be just friends with your ex to get them back?
Short answer: It depends on what "friends" means when your ex says it. If they're open to hanging out with no pressure, take it, the label doesn't matter. If they're using "let's be friends" to get you to stop pursuing them, or you're still chasing while getting nothing back, go no-contact instead of accepting a smaller version of the relationship.
People chasing closure with an ex often land on the same offer: “let’s just be friends.” Benny Lichtenwalner’s take is that the label matters less than what’s actually happening when you spend time together.
If your ex is genuinely open to hanging out, taking it slow, and seeing where things go, take the offer and stop arguing about the word “friends.” That kind of low-pressure time together, with no expectations attached, is often the real start of getting back together, even though sitting with old memories can hurt. You still get to be yourself in that space: playful, a little teasing, building the same attraction you always did. The label your ex uses doesn’t change what works.
The version to avoid is different. If you’ve been chasing hard and your ex says “let’s just be friends” as a way to get you to back off, that’s not an opening, it’s an instruction. There’s no romantic tension left to work with, and staying in orbit around them only keeps you stuck. The same goes if you’re the one doing all the giving: covering favors, absorbing their problems, getting nothing back, or being kept around only for sex with no shot at a relationship.
Benny’s rule of thumb: read what’s actually happening between you, not the word your ex used to describe it. Genuine openness is worth taking. Being used as a consolation prize is worth walking away from, usually into a period of no-contact until the dynamic has a real chance to shift.
Full transcript
Should you be just friends with your ex in order to get back together, if they're not ready for a relationship and it's the only way to stay in contact and get your foot in the door? Doesn't that seem like a good idea? First, it matters what they mean by "let's be friends." If what they mean is "let's hang out, let's take it slow, we'll see what happens," that's something you want to do. Ignore the fact that they're labeling it friends. Don't get hung up on it. If they're open to seeing how things go, that's your opportunity to hang out, have fun, and potentially reconnect. Spending time together with no strings attached, even though it might hurt because of the memories, is the beginning of getting back together, provided you have a good time. So don't fixate on the word "friends." If you're hanging out with no expectations and taking it slow, you're still going to run your normal game, tease a little, make them laugh, try to spike their emotions. That still has an effect, no matter what label they put on it. But if you've chased your ex hard and they're telling you to go away, "I don't see you like that, I just want to be friends," that's different. That's an instruction. It means there's no attraction for you right now, so what you need to do is pull away, go no-contact, and give them time to miss you and get past whatever mistakes happened. When they come back around, you can start rebuilding attraction from there. If your ex keeps saying "we're just friends" and there's literally no romantic tension, they're talking about their problems, asking you for favors, and taking you for granted, you need to remove yourself from that situation. Take your focus off them and place it on people who actually value your time. The same goes in reverse: if your ex only wants you for sex and not a relationship, you can't let that friendship dynamic continue, because you'll never get to the relationship if you're just a source of gratification. Outside of those cases, if your ex is giving you a chance to hang out, you can show up, make them laugh, have a good time, and let them sit with that feeling afterward. That's a win.
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