How do I respond when my ex reaches out first?
Short answer: When your ex reaches out first, match their effort level instead of overreacting to the contact itself. A low-effort text like a meme or a one-word check-in gets a similarly low-effort reply, not a paragraph. Occasionally add a little more energy to test if they engage, then pull back if they don't match it.
After weeks of no-contact, any message from your ex can feel like a huge deal, even if it’s just a meme or a two-word check-in. The instinct is to treat it as a major moment and write back something long and thoughtful. That instinct is almost always wrong.
The better move is to match the effort you’re being given. If your ex sends something low-effort, a meme, a quick “hey,” respond at roughly that same level. Writing paragraphs back to a meme has nothing to do with the meme and everything to do with how eager and available you still are, which tends to push someone further away rather than draw them in.
Occasionally test the temperature with a little more warmth or a joke, then pull back to their level if they don’t match it. And if this becomes a pattern of only low-effort contact, resist the urge to treat it as an opening to finally say everything you’ve been holding in.
I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back. For the full approach to a first real conversation once your ex reaches out, see the first-text guide.
Full transcript
After weeks of no-contact, getting any message from your ex at all can feel huge, even if it's just a meme, a random "hey," or something that looks like it took them four seconds to send. The instinct is to treat it like a major moment: read into every word, write back something thoughtful and long, maybe finally say some of what you've been holding in. That instinct is understandable and almost always wrong. Here's the frame that actually works: match the effort you're being given. Think of it like a volume knob. If your ex is sending something at a volume of two, a quick meme, a one-word check-in, you respond at roughly that same volume, maybe a notch either direction. You're not ignoring them. You're not being cold. You're just not putting in ten times the effort they put into reaching out. Think about how much effort it actually takes to send a meme. A couple of taps, done. If that's what you're getting, react to it, maybe send something short and light back. That's proportionate. Writing back three paragraphs in response to a meme sends a signal that has nothing to do with the meme itself and everything to do with how available and eager you still are, which is exactly what tends to make someone pull back further. Now, if this happens repeatedly, just memes, just breadcrumbs, no real conversation developing, it's worth occasionally testing the temperature. Every so often, put a little more into your response, something a bit more playful or a small joke that adds color to the exchange. See if they latch onto it. If they do, a real conversation might start to develop naturally. If they don't, if they go right back to one-word replies or nothing at all, pull back to matching their level again. You're not doing this robotically every single time. You're feeling it out. This matters just as much when the message they send is more substantial. If your ex writes something with real thought in it, catching up, asking how you've been, that's a higher-effort message, and it's fine to respond with more effort of your own. The point isn't to always give less. It's to give roughly what you're getting, so the conversation stays balanced instead of one person carrying all the emotional weight of it. The bigger mistake, and I see it constantly, is treating any contact at all as permission to finally say everything. Your ex reaches out with something small, and it becomes the opening for a long message about how much you miss them, what you've been thinking about, questions about where things stand. That overwhelms a low-stakes test before it's had a chance to become anything real. Let the small moment stay small. If your ex is genuinely testing the water with a low-effort message, the way you show them it's safe to wade in further isn't with a flood. It's by staying easy, calibrated, and not turning a meme into a moment neither of you was ready for.
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