How do I get my ex boyfriend back?
Short answer: Start your no-contact clock from your last contact, not the breakup date. Stop texting, calling, and checking his social media now, then spend three to six months fixing the pattern that ended things. Send one short message with no apology attached when the window closes, then match his energy instead of escalating. The same process gets an ex girlfriend back.
Most of the “how do I get my ex boyfriend back” questions I get aren’t really about technique. They’re about whether it’s too late, whether he’s already gone, and what to actually do today instead of just waiting. I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back. The process below is the same one I run for getting an ex girlfriend back. It starts with an honest read of your starting line.
Where are you actually starting from?
| Your situation | What it means for you |
|---|---|
| Broke up, zero contact since | Clock starts today, three to six months |
| Broke up, a few texts back and forth | Clock resets from your last message |
| Broke up, you’ve called or shown up in person | Add extra time on top of the standard window |
| Broke up months ago, contact has been steady | You’re not really in no-contact yet. Start now |
The date on the breakup matters less than the date of your last contact. That’s the real clock.
What do I do today?
- Stop everything, starting now. No texts, no calls, no liking his posts, no asking mutual friends how he’s doing.
- Skip the closing message. “I’ll give you space” still counts as contact, and it reads as unfinished rather than done.
- Mute him everywhere. Not to prove willpower. To take the temptation out of your day entirely.
- Name what actually ended it. Not the version where you did nothing wrong. A named pattern changes things; vague regret doesn’t.
- Rebuild your own baseline. Sleep, food, movement, one person you talk to honestly. Everything else gets built on top of this.
How long does no-contact actually run?
Three months at the floor, six at the ceiling, set by his attachment style, how long you were together, and how much contact happened since the breakup. A dismissive avoidant ex needs the longer end. His feelings don’t fully surface until close to the three-month mark, even when he looks completely unaffected from the outside.
Inside the window: you never initiate, you keep replies short and warm if he reaches out first, and you stay off his social media. The work is rebuilding your own life, not tracking his.
What do I send when it’s time?
Something short and plain: “Hey, been a while. How’ve you been?” No apology, no mention of missing him, no explanation for the silence. Send it once, then match whatever energy comes back instead of escalating past it. If nothing comes back, you don’t follow up.
What are the honest odds?
Relationships that still had real feeling and real compatibility on both sides come back together more often than not, in the cases I coach, when this gets run straight. There’s no honest percentage for your specific situation, and anyone who quotes one is guessing. Relationships that were already over before the breakup almost never come back, no matter how clean the re-entry is.
What this looks like in practice
A composite of cases I’ve coached, details changed. One client had already sent several apology texts in the two weeks after the breakup before she found this process. She started her real no-contact clock from her last message, not the breakup date, and held five months instead of three. The re-entry landed fine.
Another held a clean three months from day one, sent the message, and got a warm but final reply. That wasn’t a failed process. That was the process answering a question she’d been avoiding for three months.
When should I not try this?
Skip it if there was abuse on either side, if he’s engaged or genuinely settled with someone else, or if what broke things was a structural mismatch rather than a rough stretch. The self-work in no-contact is worth doing regardless. Plenty of people start this wanting an ex boyfriend back and finish it wanting their own life more.
For the full day-by-day protocol, including the exact re-entry script and the dating-phase rules, start with the full guide.
Related questions
How long does it take to get an ex boyfriend back?
Three to six months of real no-contact, plus however long the re-entry and re-dating phase takes after that. Men and women run the same timeline. What changes it is his attachment style and how much contact happened after the breakup, not his gender.
Should I text him first or wait for him to reach out?
Wait out the full no-contact window first. After that, if he hasn't reached out, you send one short message. Waiting indefinitely for him to make the first move usually just extends the silence past the point it was doing any good.
Does no-contact work differently on men than women?
The mechanics are the same. What differs is which attachment style shows up most. Dismissive avoidant exes, who I see more often among male clients, suppress their feelings longer, so the practical effect is a no-contact window that runs toward six months instead of three.
What if he's already seeing someone else?
Run your process anyway and give it six months before you factor the new relationship in at all. Most rebounds end within that window on their own. Reacting to one now just hands it more weight than it's earned.
Is it a bad sign if he hasn't reached out at all?
No. Silence during no-contact is the plan working, not it failing. Dismissive avoidant men in particular can go quiet for the entire window and still come back once the suppression lifts, usually close to the three-month mark.