How do I get my ex girlfriend back?
Short answer: Start counting from today, not from the breakup date. If you've texted, called, or shown up since it ended, your no-contact clock resets from that last contact and runs three to six months. Stop everything now, fix the pattern that ended things, then send one short message with no apology attached. The same process gets an ex boyfriend back too.
Most guys asking this question aren’t at day one. Some contact already happened, some time already passed, and the question that actually matters isn’t “how” in the abstract. It’s “how, from exactly where I am right now.” I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back. The process below works the same for an ex boyfriend, and it starts with an honest read of your starting line.
Where are you actually starting from?
| Your situation | What it means for you |
|---|---|
| Broke up, zero contact since | Clock starts today, three to six months |
| Broke up, a few texts back and forth | Clock resets from your last message |
| Broke up, you’ve called or shown up in person | Add extra time on top of the standard window |
| Broke up months ago, contact has been steady | You’re not really in no-contact yet. Start now |
The date on the breakup matters less than the date of your last contact. That’s the real clock.
What do I do today?
- Stop everything, starting now. No texts, no calls, no liking her posts, no asking mutual friends how she’s doing.
- Don’t send a closing message. “I’ll give you space” still counts as contact, and it keeps the door open in a way that reads as unfinished rather than done.
- Mute her everywhere. Not to prove willpower. To remove the temptation from your day entirely.
- Get specific about what actually ended it. Not the version where you did nothing wrong. Vague regret doesn’t change anything; a named pattern does.
- Rebuild your baseline. Sleep, food, movement, one friend you talk to honestly. Everything else gets built on top of this.
How long does no-contact actually run?
Three months at the floor, six at the ceiling, set by her attachment style, how long you were together, and how much contact has happened since the breakup. An avoidant ex needs the longer end. Her feelings don’t fully surface until close to the three-month mark, even though she looks unaffected from the outside.
Inside the window: you never initiate, you keep replies short and warm if she reaches out first, and you stay off her social media. The work is rebuilding your own life, not tracking hers.
What do I send when it’s time?
Something short and plain: “Hey, been a while. How’ve you been?” No apology, no mention of missing her, no explanation for the silence. Send it once, then match whatever energy comes back instead of escalating past it. If nothing comes back, you don’t follow up.
What are the honest odds?
Relationships that still had real feeling and real compatibility on both sides come back together more often than not, in the cases I coach, when this gets run straight. There’s no honest percentage for your specific situation. Anyone who quotes one is guessing. Relationships that were already over before the breakup almost never come back, no matter how clean the re-entry is.
What this looks like in practice
A composite of cases I’ve coached, details changed. One guy had already sent a dozen texts in the two weeks after the breakup before he found this process. He started his real no-contact clock from his last message, not the breakup date, and held five months instead of three. The re-entry landed fine.
Another had done everything right from day one, held a clean three months, sent the message, and got a warm but final reply. That wasn’t a failed process. That was the process answering a question he’d been avoiding for three months.
When should I not try this?
Skip it if there was abuse on either side, if she’s engaged or genuinely settled with someone else, or if what broke things was a structural mismatch rather than a rough stretch. The self-work in no-contact is worth doing regardless. Plenty of guys start this wanting an ex girlfriend back and finish it wanting their own life more.
For the full day-by-day protocol, including the exact re-entry script and the dating-phase rules, start with the full guide.
Related questions
Does it matter how long it's been since the breakup?
Less than people think. What matters more than the calendar is how much contact happened after the breakup. Someone three weeks past a clean breakup is often further along than someone three months out who's been texting every few days.
What if I already begged her to come back?
It costs you time, not the whole thing. A begging phase reads as pressure and needs a longer no-contact window to fade before re-entry. It moves your floor from three months to closer to six. It doesn't disqualify you.
Should I apologize when I reach out?
Not in the first message. An apology upfront reopens the breakup as the topic before you've rebuilt any reason to talk about anything else. Save it for a real conversation later, once contact is already back, not as the icebreaker.
Does this work the same way to get an ex boyfriend back?
Yes. The timeline, the no-contact rules, and the re-entry message don't change based on gender. What sometimes shifts is the length of no-contact. Dismissive avoidant exes, who show up more often in my male clients, tend to need the longer end of the window.
What if she's already dating someone new?
Run your process anyway and give the new relationship six months before you reach out. Most rebounds don't last, and reacting to one just hands it more weight than it's earned on its own.