My ex slept with someone else and wants me back, what should I do?
Short answer: Depends entirely on timing. If it happened after you split, before any real conversation about reconciling, that's a different situation than if it happened while you were still together. Either way, don't say yes fast. Ask why the new thing ended, watch two months of behavior before any relationship talk, and treat apologies as words, not proof.
Depends on when it happened. If it was after you split and before you’d talked about getting back together, that’s a different problem than if it happened while you were still a couple. Sort that out first, because it changes everything downstream.
I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back. This question comes up more than you’d think, usually from someone torn between wanting their ex back and feeling like saying yes means they don’t respect themselves. Neither instinct is wrong. You just need a process before you answer.
Did it happen during the relationship or after the breakup?
During the relationship, it’s infidelity, and taking someone back after that is its own conversation, one that needs an honest look at whether trust can actually rebuild, usually with real work on both sides and often with a therapist in the room. That’s not what this page covers.
After the breakup, before you’d worked anything out, it’s a different animal. You weren’t together. They didn’t owe you monogamy in a relationship that had already ended. It can still sting, and it’s fair to ask what it means about their state of mind, but it isn’t betrayal in the technical sense.
The psychology test: rebound failure or real change?
Here’s the question that matters more than the sex itself: why are they back now? In my cases, an ex who reaches out after a rebound falls into one of two categories. Either the new thing ended and they’re circling back to what’s familiar, or they got some real distance and came back with a clearer read on what they actually want. Same behavior, two completely different psychologies underneath it.
The first kind of return doesn’t hold. It’s relief dressed up as clarity, and it tends to fade the moment another option appears. The second kind is worth taking seriously, but you still can’t tell which one you’re looking at from a single conversation.
Three questions to ask them, two to ask yourself
| Ask them | Ask yourself |
|---|---|
| Why did that end? | Am I the answer, or am I just available? |
| What’s different about how you’d approach this now? | Would I still want this if no one else had happened? |
| Why now, specifically? |
Watch how they answer, not just what they say. Someone doing real work has specifics. Someone running from a bad rebound has vague relief and not much else.
The rule of no fast yes
Don’t give a fast yes, no matter how good the conversation feels. Date again from scratch: slow, casual, no relationship-status talk for at least two months. That window isn’t a punishment. It’s how you find out whether the change is real, because two months of consistent behavior tells you more than any apology does. Words are cheap right after someone’s rebound falls apart. Behavior over time is not.
When the answer is no
Sometimes the honest answer is no, and that’s a legitimate outcome, not a failure. If the pattern is a repeat, if they only reach out when someone else has just left, or if your gut says “available” rather than “chosen,” believe that. Wanting them back and it being good for you are two separate questions, and only one of them should decide what you do next.
Related reading: does sleeping with someone else while trying to get your ex back hurt your chances covers the reverse situation, and do exes come back after dating someone else has more on rebound timelines.
Related questions
Should I take my ex back after she slept with someone else?
Only after you've sorted out when it happened. After the breakup and before any reconciliation talk isn't betrayal, since you weren't together. During the relationship is infidelity and needs its own honest conversation about trust before you even get to this question.
My ex slept with someone else and wants me back, what should I do first?
Ask why the other thing ended before you answer anything else. A rebound that just failed produces a very different kind of return than someone who took real distance and came back clear-headed. You can't always tell which one you're getting from the first conversation, so don't decide from it.
What are healthy reasons to get back with an ex vs red flags?
Healthy: they can name what they'd do differently, they've had consistent space and came back anyway, and they're patient with you taking it slow. Red flags: vague answers about why the rebound ended, urgency to skip the slow rebuild, and asking for trust before showing any change in behavior.
How long should I wait before believing my ex has changed?
About two months of plain, low-pressure dating with no relationship talk. That's long enough for a rebound-driven return to reveal itself and short enough that you're not stalling your own life waiting to find out. Behavior across two months tells you more than any single conversation does.
Does it matter if it happened during the relationship or after the breakup?
It matters completely. During the relationship, it's a trust break that needs its own repair process. After a real breakup, before you'd talked about reconciling, it isn't cheating, since the relationship had already ended. Sort out the timeline before you decide how to feel about the fact of it.