Why Does Trying Too Hard to Impress My Ex Actually Make Things Worse?
Short answer: Effort is the tell. The person who tries harder loses leverage, and your ex can feel it. Benny Lichtenwalner puts it plainly: men chase excellence, women chase men. Stop trying to out-impressive anyone. Be the most enjoyable presence in the room, and stop there.
Why Does Trying Too Hard to Impress My Ex Actually Make Things Worse?
Effort is the tell. The person who tries harder loses leverage, and your ex can feel it. Benny Lichtenwalner puts it plainly: men chase excellence, women chase men. Stop trying to out-impressive anyone. Be the most enjoyable presence in the room, and stop there.
Why Does Effort Signal the Wrong Thing?
Attraction isn’t built by being the most impressive person on paper. It’s built by being the most enjoyable person to be around. When you try hard to impress — carefully calibrating every interaction, monitoring what the other guy is doing, engineering the perfect moment — the effort itself is what reads as low-value.
| Try-hard behavior | Lower-effort alternative | Why it works |
|---|---|---|
| Mentally competing with whoever she’s seeing | Stop tracking him entirely | The comparison loop is in your head, not hers |
| Initiating a serious talk when you’re triggered | Let it be and stay light | Heaviness signals anxiety, not strength |
| Overthinking the perfect thing to post | Lead with your best material and stop there | Authenticity reads cleaner than polish |
| Reacting when your ex acts cold or petty | Stay completely unbothered | Unreactivity removes the reward for the behavior |
| Calculating the right vibe on the fly | Default to playful as your baseline | Overthinking kills what it’s trying to achieve |
The person who calculates hardest usually loses. The person who defaults to fun and doesn’t need a reaction wins. That’s not a mindset trick — it’s how the dynamic works.
What Does “Men Chase Excellence, Women Chase Men” Mean in Practice?
Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back, uses a principle that sounds simple but changes everything in practice: men chase excellence, women chase men. Your energy goes into your own life — your goals, your enjoyment, your growth — not into chasing her. When you’re genuinely doing that, you become attractive. When you’re directing that energy toward impressing her, you invert the dynamic.
This is why the other guy is irrelevant. Whether she downgraded, upgraded, or made a lateral move doesn’t matter. The guy who brings the most fun and tries the least wins the attraction game regardless of what’s on paper. Stop the comparison loop. It’s not solving anything.
How Do You Show Up Without Trying Too Hard?
- Before any interaction with your ex — a chance encounter, a scheduled practical meeting, a social event — set one internal instruction: light and fun, unbothered attitude. That’s the baseline. Not a performance, just a default.
- Use judgment on when to be playful versus warm and steady. Not every moment calls for a joke. Some situations need you to be dependable and cool. But even then, don’t go heavy.
- Stop monitoring the competition. The other person in her life is irrelevant to your job. Your job is to be the most enjoyable presence when you’re present.
- Stay unreactive to petty behavior. If your ex gives you the cold shoulder, tries to provoke you, or pulls back — don’t match it. As long as you’re unreactive to that kind of noise, it blows over. Your non-reaction removes the reward.
- Accept your own gaps without ego. If you’ve made mistakes in the relationship or you’re not where you want to be yet, own it without shame. That acceptance is part of the attractive posture. The guys with the biggest egos crash the hardest.
- Invest in skills that build genuine playfulness. Improv comedy classes, for example, wire in the spontaneous, fun energy you’re trying to project. It’s not fake — it’s practice.
What NOT to Do
- Don’t compare yourself to the other guy out loud or in your head. “I’m better than him” is your ego protecting itself. It doesn’t move anything. Figure out what’s missing and build it.
- Don’t initiate a serious conversation when you’re triggered. The urge to say the thing feels urgent. It almost never produces what you’re hoping for.
- Don’t reach or try to make an interaction into more than it naturally is. If you run into your ex and it’s brief and neutral, that’s a win. Don’t push for more.
- Don’t overcalibrate your social media presence. Lead with your best material and stop second-guessing it.
- Don’t overthink the vibe in real time. Commit to being a playful, unbothered person as a default. The overthinking is the problem; the default identity is the fix.
What Happens When People Get This Wrong
A pattern that shows up across many coaching conversations: two clients, both about to enter charged situations with their ex — one a formal practical meeting, one a casual social event — who both made the same mistake. Both walked in trying to be impressive: careful with every word, monitoring how they came across, watching for reactions. Both reported afterward that the interaction felt stilted. Their ex was polite but distant.
The third client who handled the same situation well? Walked in, didn’t try to make it anything, kept it light, didn’t overstay. Their ex texted first the next day.
The difference isn’t personality. It’s whether the effort was showing or not.
Related questions
What does it mean that men chase excellence and women chase men?
Your energy goes into your own life — your goals, your enjoyment, your growth — not into chasing her. When you're doing that genuinely, you become attractive. Chasing her directly inverts the dynamic.
How do I handle jealousy when my ex is seeing someone else?
Stop tracking him. The comparison loop is in your head, not hers. The guy who brings the most fun and tries the least wins the attraction game regardless of who looks better on paper.
What if I feel the urge to say something serious when I'm triggered?
Let it be. The stone-on-chest feeling is real, but it's the worst possible time to say anything. The heaviness signals anxiety, and your ex can feel that. Focus on staying light instead.
Is being unreactive the same as being cold or detached?
No. Unreactivity means you don't match petty behavior or emotional bait. You can be warm, present, and genuinely engaged while staying completely unbothered by the noise. That combination is what's attractive.
Can I actually train myself to be more naturally playful?
Yes. Improv comedy classes are a real investment Benny recommends — they wire in spontaneous, fun energy that carries over into how you show up. It's not manufactured; it's practice.