How can I get my ex boyfriend back?
Short answer: Stop contacting your ex today and hold the silence for three to six months from your last message. Spend it fixing your side of what went wrong. Then send one short, warm text that asks for nothing, and let your ex set the pace. The same steps work for an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend.
You can get your ex boyfriend back, but not by finding the right words. It happens when you change what you’re doing for a few months, then reach out once. The same goes if you are trying to get an ex girlfriend back.
I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of How to Get Your Ex Back. This is the short version of what I teach.
What should I do right now?
Put the phone down. Don’t send the message you’ve been rewriting. Don’t ask his friends how he is. Then do the basics: eat, sleep, and talk to someone who isn’t your ex. Mute his accounts instead of blocking them.
What is the step-by-step process?
- Stop all contact. Your clock starts at your last message.
- Wait three to six months. Use the time to work on the pattern that hurt the relationship.
- Send one short message with no apology attached.
- If he answers, keep it light and match his energy.
- Date again for about two months before the relationship comes up.
| Ex’s style | Usual wait | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Avoidant | 4 to 6 months | Suppression lifts around month three |
| Anxious | 3 to 4 months | Reaches out sooner, but swings |
| Secure | 3 months | Can handle a direct, calm message |
What should the first text say?
Something he can answer in a line. “I came across that taco place we liked. Hope work’s going well.” Nothing about the breakup. Nothing asking for a reply. If he writes back warmly, answer once and stop.
How do I know if I should try at all?
Check what you actually miss. If you miss how he made you laugh and the way you two handled hard weeks, that’s worth something. If you miss being held and being busy, that’s loneliness. Don’t try if there was abuse or contempt.
What this looks like in practice
A composite from clients. One woman texted her ex every day for two weeks and got shorter and shorter replies. She stopped and rebuilt for five months: back to running, a new friend group, and a plan for how she’d handle disagreements. Her first light text got a reply in hours. They met for coffee a month later. One man in the same situation got no answer at all. He waited two more weeks, accepted it, and moved on. Both did the process straight.
What should I not do?
Don’t send long emotional letters. Don’t use his friends as messengers. Don’t announce that you’ve changed. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 first.
Related questions
How do I get my ex boyfriend back if he is avoidant?
Give him the longer end of the window, around four to six months. Avoidant exes suppress their feelings right after a breakup, and that suppression doesn't lift until about month three. Chasing makes it worse.
Does the process change for an ex girlfriend?
No. The steps are the same: silence, work on yourself, one light message, then slow re-entry.
What if my ex blocked me?
Leave it alone. A block is a boundary, not a puzzle. Don't make a new account or ask a friend to relay anything.
What if he has a new girlfriend?
Wait at least six months before reaching out. Rebounds usually fade on their own, and reacting makes the new person more important.
What are the odds?
Nobody can give you an honest number. Clean silence raises them and panic lowers them.